Get Real

In The Depths Of The Masquerade Ballroom

2012-02-26T20:34:00.001-08:00

"Color Me Blind"
Model: Miss Mischief | Photographer & Retoucher: Josefina
Copyright © Josefina Photography 2012

"True friends are like diamonds, precious but rare. Fake friend are like fall leaves, found everywhere." - Anonymous

Somewhere in our past we have all learned how to "properly" wear masks. It's a natural things - because as we grow older we find it harder and harder to trust people. We aren't the same carefree little spirit we once were in kindergarden. Things change. Life changes. And more importantly people change. It is somewhere within this transition that we all begin to find a way to build walls up - to shut people out, and become tougher against the idiots that seem to reign in our world. However, every now and again, you find that one friend that slowly breaks down those walls, and gets you to come out of your shell a little bit, and really befriends you. But doing so, is never easy, as we find that this is an ultimate risk. Yet, we step off that "safety ledge" because we know that to do so, just might establish a true friendship - you know the kind. The one that can last for decades.

But just like with everything that is near and dear to our hearts, there are those in society who do a fantastic job of "abusing the system".

THESE are the inconsiderate people who try to befriend you, so that they can know everything about your life and then turn around to hurt you. These are the people who's own egos are slow low - that they will do ANYTHING in their power to feel good, for a split second in time. And often times, that fleeting moment of pleasure is associated with being a complete and total jerk to someone else. It is around this stage of life, of having that first "so - called - friend" that we learn how to "protect" ourselves. And we slide on a mask.

It could be a shiny, sparkly one that is still somewhat good natured in public: smiles at those who walk by, make small talk in the halls of an office or school, and occasionally help those that might need a little assistance. But as life goes on - one might notice that those shiny sparkly masks don't show up as frequently anymore. But rather a darker and more mysterious one: the one that will talk only when spoken too, they are more likely to nod their head in greeting then in smiles, and they are more willing to keep to themselves and move on in life. Some people might call this individual a "loner," but I prefer to see it as a way to truly protect one's self.

Somewhere back in time, as a small child I had heard adults say over and over, "it gets better after high school. The drama goes away, and you really begin to find your own friends, and life takes a chill pill." To those individuals who said such things, I look at you now with the simple phrase: "You're precious."

Because in this day and age, thanks to electronics, that drama does not necessarily go away - and while one might have picked up a true friend or two, life certainly is nowhere near taking a "chill pill." I think some of you might recall some of my earlier blog posts addressing backstabbing and two faced individuals: "Your Entertainment," and "You Heard It Through The Grapevine." Better yet, some of you might even remember the one blog, "Into Your Life I'll Creep," - about those that peep into windows and peck with their ugly bird beaks - these are the types of people who still cause us to show up in that ballroom wearing the fanciest and the most mysterious masks. And these are the people who will forever have us photographed wearing them.

Way back in September, I slammed the friendship door in someone's face. This was after the fact that second chances had second chances. Then I gave up. Some people simply cannot be helped. And I picked up my fancy dark mask and danced on through the ballroom of life. Because, I had other shit to do, and other people to see, and history to be made. And that's what I did. Trouble began back in December, when someone had heard something through the grapevine of drama, and latched onto it a bit too strongly. This only heightened in January when we found out that said ear had been taking their anger out on a social networking site. But, for once, I don't mean Facebook. No, they were blasting their anger across Twitter, to be read by any and every individual on the internet, and probably their future employer.

At first I didn't have a care in the world.

I don't purposely log on to Twitter to see who is blasting the latest victim for what. I actually have a life, and a rather busy one at that. It wasn't until my trip out to LA that I found out THROUGH GOOGLING MYSELF that said ear had been attempting to ruin me and nearly every friendship in the local area that I had. It was confirmed when I landed back on the East Coast, that said ear had been off running their mouth. Only days later I received a phone call with a death threat (that was reported and taken care of) - and I realized that this ear was still so ELECTRONICALLY obsessed with my life, that after I slammed the friendship door in their face - they were going to take it upon themselves to try and ruin my life.

But even online I wear my fancy and mysterious mask. I know the risks of being exposed on the net. No, I'm not a model, and I don't expose myself in the same senses as my models do. But I am a photographer, and an artist and that allows me to be just as exposed. But, I'm not stupid either - I know the rules of the internet, I, just as anyone with any common sense in their head, know that like the real world, the pixel world isn't as safe as we wish for it to be.

And while this ear had been mad dashing between all of my social networking sites, frantically looking for something it could use against me - I had been twirling away with a stranger in this ballroom, and leaving no trail behind me. All it found was information that was not and never will be useful to them at all whatsoever. So, it came after those that I live with. And it pulled the SAME trick on them, that it had with me. The fake friend bullshit.

Why? Because this ear still relies on the grapevine system to give it news about me.

It still relies on my metaphoric internet windows to be open, with the curtains blowing in the wind so that it may peck it's grotesque beak in an intrusive way to try to get at me. And now it's beak has pecked its way back into my house, to try and pull information from those that I live with. And what's hilarious is I don't think this ear knows that I know what it's up too.

I've got my own nest - and just like everyone else, I am perfectly capable of climbing in it, adjusting my own beak and peck right back like a starved vulture. The only difference between me and this ear is: I could actually care less about their not-so-hidden-ways of playing "detective." It's just fascinating to know that I can't even speak to those that live with me anymore, should they make the mistake of saying something that could possibly feed this poor, pathetic, and clearly starved soul.

But you see, that is the beauty with the Masquerade Ballroom. All I have to do, is grab a dance partner, switch up the eloquent masks, and dance away into the night, unseen, and unheard. It is something, that I do best.

"Fear not your enemies, for they can only kill you. Fear not your friends, for they can only betray you. Fear only the indifferent, who permit the killers and betrayers to walk safely on Earth." -Edward Yashinsky

Seduced By Sunlight

2012-02-20T16:40:00.002-08:00

"Seduced By Sunlight"
Model: Dr. Carla Johnson (Unbearable-Lightness) | Photographer & Retoucher: Josefina
Copyright © Josefina Photography 2012

"Who is more foolish, the child afraid of the dark, or the man afraid of the light?" -Maurice Freehill

Ever since I was a little girl, I have been transfixed on the idea of beauty. Some of which, comes from the exaggerated version of beauty that you see put out in most modern day magazines, or the selected forms of beauty that you see chosen for higher standard magazine's such as Papercut Magazine & Vogue. And this transfixion has carried on into my photography today. I explained a little about how I felt during a shoot in Carla's blog today, What We See Today: Iconic Images. But that's just the beginning.

The start of this idea what sparked by Cyranos's comment: "In other words, what I see is a woman where someone is, or very recently has, taken the time to make love to her beyond just sharing some sex." -Said comment was in reference to the above image. But Cyranos's really hit the nail on the head here, because I feel to some extent that's exactly what Art is. Almost damn near love making. Carla herself, once said that it's like making love to the camera - something of which, I suppose could also be a take on the above photograph. To me, making Art is a euphoric feeling that is more then the meaning of "making love" and sharing "some sex" with the subject, model; or the idea/thought.

And this is where I find a lot of photographers mess up. They take this phrase far too damn literally. They feel that to make "beautiful art" they actually have to fuck their model. And that's not at all what I'm talking about.

The definition that I was going for was: an artistic feeling of doing something right.

By what Cyranos pointed out with that comment was: the Carla's personal connection with the eroticism of light, and my personal connection/attraction to and with beauty. One that is often connected to the light that Carla so loves.

To those that can get lost in an image, or the creation of a piece of art - are the true artists and art appreciators.

To watch Carla slide into a "shared" erotic moment with light and my presence in the corner of the room - is one that cannot possibly be described in any other words but: the creation of beauty.

With the image above, you can see that she's got those "bedroom" eyes, but if you could have only seen the images that came before this particular one, you could easily see why. That light was more than euphoric and erotic - it was, indeed an aphrodisiac. But that's a moment that even you artists might struggle to create in your head. It was a you-had-to-be-there moment.

Of course, not all of my shoots were as touching, magical nor nearly as erotic as the work that I have done with Carla. No, others are more focused on the the "beauty of the person" or nature and the surroundings - as what you would see in glamour and fashion. Which, is a whole different genre, in general. Every shoot has been different. Every connection that my models and I share, are very different from one another - but it all works out to create a new type of magic.

And with that in mind, I'll leave you with a bunch of "light" images, where you can see my attention to beauty and attraction to light, both play a huge part in the general storytelling.

"In This Dream....We Float"
Model: Little Rey | Assistant: Samantha Ranck | Photographer & Retoucher: Josefina
Copyright © Josefina Photography 2012

"Longing"
Model: Kate Compton | Photographer & Retoucher: Josefina
Copyright © Josefina Photography 2012

"Mysterieux"
Model: Bekka Gunther | Photographer & Retoucher: Josefina
Copyright © Josefina Photography 2012

"Neverland"
Model: Sitara Bird | Full Team Shoot | Photographer & Retoucher: Josefina
Copyright © Josefina Photography 2012

"In The Moment"
Model: Lea Dodson | Photographer & Retoucher: Josefina
Copyright © Josefina Photography 2012

"Don't Be Afraid Of The Light"
Model: Dr. Carla Johnson | Photographer & Retoucher: Josefina
Copyright © Josefina Photography 2012

"Live in rooms full of light." -Cornelius Celsus

I was going to write on a totally different topic, but frankly said topic makes me angry & frustrated - and I'm quite tired of being angry and frustrated, so I walked away from that topic for a moment. If you happen to have a dA account, you can read the following blog:"OMG! She's Naked?!"

Holiday of Love

2012-02-14T20:48:00.000-08:00

"Valentine"
Model: Skyler Haze | Photographer: Josefina
Copyright © Josefina Photography 2012

So, it's been awhile since I've posted and I apologize, but this thing called "Life" got in the way. Anyways, I just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Valentine's Day.

This holiday seems a little pointless to me, because honestly you should show the person you love, that you love them, every damn day of your life. Why? Because "tomorrow" isn't a guarantee. You may or may not live until the next Valentine's Day. So why show your "true love" and appreciation on one day out of the year?

Please. Get the hell over yourselves.

I did read something beautiful today, and it was a written by an outstanding blogger, Kirk Tuck (in case you haven't heard of him, or his blog, please take a minute and acquaint yourself), it's called, Happy Valentine's Day. Go Photograph Someone Beautiful. Now! It reminded me why I do what I do, and why it is what I'd like to do with the rest of my life. Please take a moment to read it. Thank you.

As to those wondering, I had a wonderful Valentine's day. Someone special made my day.

I'll be back with my typical and more controversial topics later - as there seems to be some extraordinarily heated conversations coming down the road.

Enjoy love while you have it.

xo Jo

Life As A Theater

2012-01-09T16:28:00.000-08:00

"Escape"
Model: Laura Henderson | Photographer: Josefina
Copyright © Josefina Photography 2012

"Acting and writing go together. Actors write because they love words and becoming other people -we love to escape into other characters." -Susannah York

When I was small, there was nothing I loved more, then picking up a hairbrush and pretending that I was someone famous. I would stand in front of the mirror for hours (I promise you, I'm not vain) holding this hairbrush "answering" audiences questions, and pretending that I was someone known. My mother used to laugh at me, because at times, I would insist that to be "perfectly prepared for the crowd," I had to wear her best jewelry. This meant a sapphire necklace in shape of tiny leaves. My dad would shake his head and say that "I certainly had some dreams," before walking off elsewhere.

Today, I have to smile at that little girl; to this day -I still sing. I don't necessarily stand in front of the mirror, and I no longer hold a hairbrush. I hold a microphone. I was four when I started singing along with Selena and Celine Dion. I was seven and I could belt out Tina Turner's "Proud Mary," and when I was 10, I joined my first large choir. What landed me the spot? Charlotte Church's "Habañera," and "A Bit of Earth."

This yearn to be someone known and famous, if you will, is nothing new.

Almost everyone I have met in my life, wants to be known for something: Acting, business, modeling, singing, dancing, a millionaire's wife, etc. And over half of them do something that could make them famous, but they only do it part time. Some just want to be the dreamers.

Just last week, I had someone say to me: "Acting is no different then modeling...I just don't have to memorize any lines!" (Can you take a wild guess at who that is? She reads this blog....), and it's true. Modeling, much like singing and dancing is a lot like acting. In a way, you are part of the theater. You have to act while singing in music videos, musicals and occasionally an actual (live) performance. Just like within dance. You pick up a character, and you must be as graceful, or as quick as your role requires you to be.

Sometimes I have to look at life as one giant play -it's the only way I can pick myself up. I have to cast myself a new role, tell myself that's how it's going to be, and put my best foot forward. I look for ways that I can escape from what is known as reality, and take myself to a place where I can create the magic that I want too. But through this all, I have taught myself a lesson....even if you cast your own play, and you change the rules as you go along, you can't hide from reality. It's a nice thought. But you simply can't. Emotions you don't want to deal with, or see, seep into your dreams. Decisions end up being made on a last-minute basis because you were trying to hide from them all along. And there are times when you must face the facts, deal with whatever is coming your way, and try to cast yourself in a new direction.

It was with this that I have realized, I am no longer happy casting myself in "mini plays" telling myself that it's "just for another semester," it's just "one more month" or whichever excuse it is, that allows me to take on some type of role. I'm no longer acting to please myself, I'm acting to get by on life. A song I listened too, recently says, "If you have to think twice about life, something really ain't right."

And that's also the truth. No one should have to think twice about life, and their decisions. After all, we are suppose to do what we love, and love what we do...right?

So, at the end of this semester, I'll be taking a leave from school. I am becoming my own true director, and taking my life elsewhere. Where that elsewhere is just yet, I'm not sure. But I need to be among people who understand art, who are willing to create it on the spot when they have an idea. And that spot is not here. Not in this tiny town. Not on this school campus. And for sure, not underneath florescent lights in a classroom.

So with that, I leave you with a question or two. Have you ever casted your role in life? Told yourself that this is who you needed to be to get through something? Have you listened to the corporate mouth, telling you what to do? Or did some unseen force take you in life where you are now?

Don't Be Afraid of The Light

2012-01-08T07:33:00.000-08:00

"Let The Light Say It"
Model: Dr. Carla Johnson (Unbearable-Lightness)
Photographer: Josefina
Copyright © Josefina Photography 2012

"Light is the symbol of truth. -James Russell Lowell"

When I was a little girl the dark frightened me. I was kept away from all horror movies, from Halloween, from anything that had to do with something that would be big dark & scary. I had been protected and yet, I found total darkness to be incredibly upsetting. I had felt like something, somewhere was going to snatch me away should I leave the room dark enough. So there was always a golden glow in my room. There was always a little light source.

The way my house was built (some 80+ years ago) it wasn't built for flattering light. The windows are high and not terribly big...my room in particular faced a quarter out of reach of the sunset. And sunrises took place in my living room. Back then I would creep into that room just to watch the rays of light hit the shutters as the sun began its climb in the sky.

Today I search for those rays of light through my lens. I shoot mid-day when I've been told not too, and over 96% of my shoots are done outdoors either with or without a reflector. And I'm not afraid to "blow-out" images. Perhaps, to those of you who went to school, would like to critique me on that, but I am asking you not too. Why? Because I do it on purpose. I don't like rules...because I don't feel that they apply to art. Art should be about what you create, not what number your ISO & other technical things were set too. And Lowell is right. Light is the symbol of truth. And you capture many more truthful images with light, then you would with out it.

My signature "look" (that appears in 90% of my portfolio) doesn't happen on accident. You get to know someone a lot more when you are comfortable. Pushing someone in a dark corner, and asking them to model is not within the idea of comfort.

But with light, what you don't say, will be said for you ...quietly.

And what you do say strengthens any friendship/relationship both on and off camera, because you are you and you have the moment to be real. You will note, (especially in our corporate business buildings) the light of which we work under, study under, go to school under are all florescent. People complain about their work. They complain about studying (because it is tedious to sit a desk and drill information in your head), and they complain about their classrooms. I am betting that some of this is because florescent light was something that we created. The sun is golden & natural...not bright blinding blue/white light. We are uncomfortable in unnatural settings.

Having Unbearable-Lightness nude, on her bed, on a white down cover, with the sun blazing through her window casting gold light every which way, was no accident. She could have been vulnerable and, yes, that could have showed. But with those who aren't afraid to play with light, and those who are out to seek the truth will find it -especially when what they are looking for either in person, or through a lens, is real.

How To Eat A Snowball

2012-01-06T19:28:00.000-08:00

Model: Carla Johnson (Unbearable-Lightness)
Photographer: Josefina
Copyright © Josefina Photography 2012

As the photographer, I have to say the shoot was both something enlightening and exhilarating. The photos that I got from said shoot are not ones that you would see when you stop to think about 60-somes in an outdoor setting. Especially in wintertime. Yet, you can learn a lot from a single series with these two women. Both defy the meaning of "being 60," both defy the younger minds standards of "you're too old for sex & you're too old to be sexy."

If there is anything that Lightness is good at, it's taking something that has already been done & undoing to re-do. The idea of eating snow is not a 'new age' thing. We've all done it. Perhaps we were four or five and were out building snowmen, but we did it. But the idea of eating snow in a bustier and boots in the way that Lightness does it...that's, well that's new. It's extraordinary to watch a model go from being reserved -preparing for a shoot in her mind- and then completely changing to make the scene come alive. Especially when the model has chemistry with the camera & the photographer.

That is always the key. If there is no chemistry, the photographer is going to get a shit shot, no matter what. But if there is a connection, the things that come alive in front of a lens is remarkable. And the work that I do aims to display that. I don't play by the rules of photography. I blow out light when and if I need to. I don't always pay attention to the ISO or other technical aspects of the camera, because it takes away from the life of the shoot. The point of me shooting is to get art. Art that I see, art that the model sees in the way that we intended to bring it to life.

So the idea of undoing an age-old idea of eating snow, to re-do it is captivating. And if that means that Lightness is crouching in the snow, giving me the "come-hither" look, in a bustier and boots while licking & swallowing a snow ball, then that is just how that magic spell is released. Somewhere within this crazy idea & setting, we are going to get that 'money shot,' and it will be the one that defies all meaning of any remote 'natural order'.

Don't Fuck With The Photographer

2012-01-05T07:01:00.000-08:00


Photographer in command: Josefina \| Midwest Top Models: Lea Dodson, Laurie Horn, Josefina, Laura Henderson & Carla Johnson (Unbearable-Lightness) \| Photographer: Steven A. Brown \| Post Processing: Josefina

Comments welcome.

Goodbye 2011, Hello 2012!!!

2011-12-31T23:12:00.000-08:00

"Light Up The Shadows"
Model: Playboy Live's Kandy Madison (Skyler Haze) from the workshop with Alex Manfredini
Copyright © Josefina Photography 2011

Oh wow. What a year it has been! I am glad to be kicking it to the curb!

It started with a (then on-going) heartbreak, continued with a stalker confessing his "dying love" for me, add in a wild summer trip with *shelbyuuu to see & work with Sara Jennifer Panza, Sitara Bird, *JessykaDawn, Shauna Lavigne & *Miss-MischiefX! Continuing on, (we fixed the said heartbreak) and we end the year with some of the biggest moves in my photography career so far!

"Ti Amo"
Models: Shauna Lavigne & Jessyka Dawn
Copyright © Josefina Photography 2011

I'd like to say that I owe a lot of 2011 to `Unbearable-Lightness. You see, on New Years Eve...back in 2010 I received a note that said, "This year is gonna be your year!"....on the New Year, I released my party image from the night before, New Year's Party. That day alone it hit over 4,000 views.

Today it stands at 12,003!

"New Year's Party"
Copyright © Josefina Photography 2011

Since that image, I have gotten published twice, both in issues of the The Modified Dolls (October and November issues), had lesson with *JaimeIbarra & *oldninja and have gotten to work with many amazing people. Including award winning photographer, Alex Manfredini, Playboy Live's Model: Kandy Madison/Skyler Haze & from Miami Caliente, Nicole Dado!

"In The Wild"
Model: Mal Monroe | Published in the November 2011 issue of The Modified Dolls Magazine
Copyright © Josefina Photography & The Modified Dolls Magazine 2011

I'd also like to give a big shootout to *tart-naived who has been a wonderful friend, & is currently my web designer!!! Keep your eye out for the new launching of the website! It shall be soon!

"Sweet Dreams"
Model: Nicole Dado from Miami Caliente | Workshop with Alex Manfredini
Copyright © Josefina Photography 2011

The start of 2012 has started with a bang as well! Ringing in the 40th year of Dick Clark's New Years with my dad, flying out to work with `Unbearable-Lightness, Lea Dodson, Laura Henderson, Photographer Steven A. Brown & continuing onto LA to work with Charles L U C I M A & *SunshineintheDesert! Bring it on 2012!!!! Let this new year begin!

"Nudity Is God's Art"
Retouched image for Carla Johnson
Post Processing by: Josefina Photography
All Rights Reserved.

One of my new year wishes (for the day) is to hit over 300 "likes" on my fan page (currently 20 more to go)...think you guys could help me?!

"amour de la beauté"
Model: Playboy Live's Kandy Madison (Skyler Haze) | Workshop with Alex Manfredini
Copyright © Josefina Photography 2011

Many blessings to you all, and I hope the new year brings in some of the best for all of you!
Much love!
*JosefinaPhotography

"When A Friend Wants A Ride"
Retouched Image for: Carla Johnson, Lea Dodson & Steven A. Brown
Retouched by: Josefina Photography 2011

"Spitting Fire"
Model: Miss Mischief
Copyright © Josefina Photography 2011

How It All Began

2011-12-09T11:51:00.000-08:00

Meadow House
Arthur Morgan School

It all began in Texas.

That is the line that has been haunting my mind since Monday's English course. We had a reader, Renee Nicholson, come in a read several of her pieces, and a bit from her upcoming novel. One of the students asked her about her literary influence, and she went off about an author from Appalachia. Now, normally when people talk about authors I've never heard of, I don't bat an eye. For some reason literature doesn't really do anything for me. (The only book that I've ever enjoyed reading, school wise, was George Orwell's 1984.) But as Renee was talking about this book, I was taken back to a scene from my time in Ashville, NC's boarding school.

I lived in a "log cabin" at the time. It was bigger than your average log cabin, but nevertheless, it was a home in the middle of the woods. With a wood burning heater, long windows that locked in the sun's heat, and a greenroom off to the side for indoor clothes drying and plant growing. Out in the back there was a large apple tree, and from the apple tree hung a tire swing. When one sat on the tire swing, and got a steady rhythm going you could see clear over the field and off into the woods that boarder lined the entire school ground. You could, if the swing turned, see the road that lead to the pond, the pile of stumps that needed chopped, and the woods that climbed up the mountain side. It was somewhere after one of these swinging moments that I found myself in the grass stretch between the house's porch, and the taller-than-me reeds of the field. Down the hill from us, at the Dewing House, Diana was chopping wood, and the sound of the maul hitting the wood echoed throughout the valley. Birds were singing and it was a calm breeze. I was home in Appalachia.

Dewing House
Arthur Morgan School

It was there that I first learned about the world. I say this, because there are things that you are taught in school, and then there are things that you see first hand. I saw more about the world first hand in those three years than I had in my entire life. It started in my 7th grade, 18-day field trip. We were studying Immigration and Boarder Issues. We packed our lives into a 15 passenger van, and headed south.

To Texas.

I remember climbing out of the van when we reached, Refugio -which was a refugee center on the Texas/Mexico border- and thinking just how beautiful something simple was. It was then that I wished I had a camera. Something that was powerful enough to capture the imagery that I saw with my eyes, and turn it into something tangible. This strange sense that I couldn't capture enough, kept me alert during our entire stay. The colors of the painted horse, than muddy tan of the caked and dried mud. The ground colored watering hole, and the big emerald green fruit tree that seemed to grow in the center of everything. It's tiny orange fruit were probably the best fruit, I'd ever taste. And as we sat in old canoes on the lake off to the side reflecting our day, our service work, the smiles of Pio -the man who ran Refugio- and watched the clouds mix themselves into a splash of a dark purple sunset, I earned more and more for a way to capture what I saw.

As I climbed into the little bed I was staying in that night, I pulled out my journal and attempted to sketch what I had seen, only to get nothing more than a basic line drawing. Displeased, I rolled over and went to sleep. Only to dream the colors that I had seen that day.

When I came back to North Carolina, 18 days later, I could still see the heat of the sun and the purple of the sunset. Nothing like it was in NC. The blue, colder sky, gave off a more orange sunset then anything else, and I simply wasn't satisfied. Every night after I had returned, and after the chickens were fed, the food was cooked, clean up was taken care of, and if, by chance the sun was still setting when I trudged up the hill between Dewing and Meadow's porch, I'd look at the sky and hope to see that dark purple.

I was 12. And that chicken is as big as me. And my hair was in braids. While I miss the work, and the chickens, I most certainly do NOT miss that hair style!

When the snow fell that year there was an equal earning to capture what I saw. The blue-grey of the white snow, and reflection of light that seemed to make the world so much brighter -I wanted that image where I could refer to it whenever needed. It was then, that I decided I needed a camera. And a good one. But it was my father that needed the real convincing. He didn't believe that this is what I wanted to do. Finally, he broke down and let my godmother buy me an old Canon black and white film camera. I spent my summer taking dark-room courses, and developing film. But black and white didn't not capture the color. It captured the emotion on a new level, but much like the memories I had, I had to fill in the colors where there were none.

By my senior year in high school, I taken more dark-room courses then I could count on a hand, and had more black and white images then the little studio I had been allowed to use, did. My dad finally agreed to buy me my first, real camera. The Canon Rebel T1i. I have used that camera more than I ate my own food. I captured everything from sunsets, to icicles, to baby deer. And not just with The Camera either. With my tiny Nikon point and shoot, and with my cell. Whatever had a camera, I'd capture what I saw. Now, nearly three years later, I have turned a habit into a business. I, now, sometimes get paid for what I love to do. And just last week, I got my camera upgrade. A Canon 5D Mark II. And just in time for the biggest step in my career yet!

Color is still very important to me. But no longer just in the scenes that I see, but the things that help build the scenes. The emotion that one can capture when working with a person. I see a photo, whether it was one that I have taken, or one that I'm retouching for someone else, and I will find that emotion and play with the color until I feel the color expresses the true story of the image.

"Color Lust"
Model: Miss Mischief | Assistant: Shelby Ursu | The Gang: Jesse Murray, Reverend Vegas & Edward Swale
Photographer & Post Processing: Josefina
Copyright © Josefina Photography 2011
All Rights Reserved

And to think, that it all started in Texas.

Helping Children With A Cause

2011-11-08T18:58:00.000-08:00

Precious Moments
Molly with our THON family's little boy, Collin
Copyright © Josefina Photography 2011

If there is one thing most of my friends & models can agree on is, kids are cute. Kids that are fighting horrid cancer and can still run around, laugh, play, and be as active as Collin is, are cuter still. Collin has been fighting cancer since he was sixteen months old. He had a tumor in his brain, and some of it went to his spine as well. He's had many chemo treatments & has been kicking cancer's butt ever since. He's now two years old, and doing really well. There is still some of the tumor in his spine, so he will need need more chemotherapy, but for now it's really looking good.

So what is a Penn State's student role in Collin's Life?

Well, there is an organization that is affectionally known as THON that college students have the chance to be a part of, while they are in school here. THON is committed to helping raise money for children, like Collin, in need. We help raise money for the Four Diamonds's fund at Penn State Hershey Children's Hospital, which in turn helps children with cancer fight their battle for life.

"THON.org is the online home of the largest student-run philanthropy in the world! The Penn State IFC/Panhellenic Dance Marathon, affectionately referred to as THON, is a yearlong effort to raise funds and awareness for the fight against pediatric cancer. Since 1877, THON has raised more than $78 million for The Four Diamonds Fund at Penn State Hershey Children's Hospital. THON 2012 will take place from February 17th-19th, in Penn State's Bryce Jordan Center, where we will continue to make strides to find a cure."-THON.org

As a group, students, our families, alumni families, and friends helped THON make well over $9 million in the last year! Over 15,000 students get involved between the campus, and this year the Altoona campus hosted an event this past Saturday for Collin's family. I had the honor of taking photos of Collin & his family & the students around campus throughout the entire event.

I have never met a kid, or a family as happy as they are; going through such a tough, tough time. His older sister is full of smiles, both parents are so very very loving, and Collin loves to run around playing, and flirting with the ladies.

I'll have to ask some of the THON captions if I could use my photography to help raise money for kids just like Collin, if the answer is yes, it looks like this Christmas could be a very giving event this year.

Here are a few more photos from Saturday's event:

"Playtime"
Collin with the THON Captain & THON Photographer
Copyright © Josefina Photography 2011

"Laughter"
THON Captain, Photographer, & Members with Collin
Copyright © Josefina Photography 2011

Mother & Son
Copyright © Josefina Photography 2011

The THON event last year at the Bryce Jordan Center:

Supporting The Children!

"When they say, "We Are Penn State," this is what they are talking about."-Joe Paterno, legendary Penn State Football Coach.

The Art of Patience

2011-11-06T22:14:00.000-08:00

"Gold Rush"
Model: Little Rey | Horse: Billy | Assistant: Samantha Ranck
Copyright © Josefina Photography 2011

"A man who is a master of patience is master of everything else." -George Savile

If there has been anything that I have learned through my art, it's patience. It takes patience to create a masterpiece. Patience to model. Patience to learn. Patience to perfect. Patience. Now, I'm not saying that I'm perfect at patience -because I'm not- like any other human, I get annoyed with the world. (Especially, if my coffee isn't made fast enough.)

However with art, with photography and in particular, editing; I have become extraordinarily patient. What many people don't realize is the amount of work that goes on AFTER the shoot that creates the images that we see posted every day. Editing is a lot of work, especially when you are a perfectionist (like I am.) If there is one thing I can't tolerate it's people rushing me.

There are two major types of work with photography, paid & trade.

If I am paid, then it is my obligation to get work done as fast as possible (without messing anything up) & delivering quality work to the client who is paying me. If it's trade, I have a little bit more time. Why? Because I did that shoot for free. That is time out of my day, where I didn't get paid for the hours that I was working with you. This doesn't mean I don't value our work. I do. But as I'm not paid for my time with the shoot, or the with the images to retouch, I have to do it whenever I get a spare moment. And let me tell you, I have to create that spare moment, because it doesn't exist otherwise. I work with a lot of models, and paid work always takes priority. I have been very lucky in the past month to receive compensation for image retouching, but as it has been paid work, it climbed to the top of the to-do list. This means that I haven't had the chance to edit nearly as many pieces of my own work, as I would have liked.

Almost all of the models that I have worked with have been extraordinarily patient when waiting for their images, and many of them have asked for a particular image to be edited so that they could use it in a voting contest, or something of that sort. I can usually get that particular image done and off to them without a problem. But, there are those that think I have all the time in the world to edit something, and can edit nine in a row, no problem. Well, actually no I can't. I don't have 9 hours to spend editing 9 photos, it really does take me about an hour to edit a single image. Sometimes I can edit quicker, sometimes I can't. I don't have 9 hours of school to sacrifice so that you can have your images. I do expect compensation for that type of time, and if you can't pay me, then you are going to have to take a number and wait patiently in line with the other models that I have worked for.

It would be real nice and sweet if everyone could understand that. Because I am honestly done reminding people that I don't have that type of time. I wish I did, but I honestly, and truly don't. I have a degree to obtain at some point.

------Rant Over--------

Anyways, today's shoot (the above photo) went really well. I met Little Rey via Facebook about a month ago, and this morning we were able to meet & go shoot. I won't tell you much (as the photos shall do all the talking) but I will say that we created a ton of magic today. The horse pictured above was a surprise addition to the shoot. We were shooting in the big golden grass that you see behind Little Rey when we heard the clicking of hooves on the path above. Two horseback riders. We stopped them, and asked if we could get a couple shots with the horses, they were rather eager to oblige. Turns out that one of the riders used to be a teacher at my boarding school a long time ago. Go figure. Anywho, we got that shot (and several others) in the matter of two minutes. Patience with horses, my friends. It pays to have worked with them for so long. :)

How You Look At Me

2011-10-24T21:45:00.000-07:00

"Tempting"
Model: Courtney Suder
Photography, Post Processing & Copyright © Josefina Photography 2011

"When you look at me, when you think of me, I am in paradise." ~William Thackeray

Dr. Lightness brought to my attention the amount of rather tempting, and sexy looks that my models often give me during our shoots. It never really occurred to me that, what just came natural to them on a shoot with me, would be these utterly alluring looks that nearly everyone else sees and questions.

In a text, she writes, "how do you get these sexy looks from your models?" It took me a good minute to figure out what she was talking about. (I had just sent her a sneak peek of the image above.) And then, it was though I came out of my art world and saw what others saw, the alluring looks, the tempting "come here's" and the "I want you's," and realized that I really didn't have a clue.

I recalled my video chat with Jaime Ibarra, from a few months earlier and remembered him explaining his connection with his models, in particular, his work and connection with the stunning model, Jessa Peters. He had explained to me that when you really connect with a model, it shows. The model no longer looks at the camera. No, the look that is captured is how they look at the photographer.

I want you to look closely at these two photos:

What is the difference you see in her face? In her eyes? and in her jaw line? Both are wonderful photographs in terms of lighting, position, and clarity...but is that enough? For some paying clients, yes it's enough. But for the photographers who are creating the photos? It's not all about the composition on how a photograph is taken, but rather, the connection between the model and the photographer.

As I have said before, "art should display emotion and tell a story. It's all about the lighting, the models and how well everyone connects with one another, and if the photographer and the model understand one another. That is the key when creating [good] art. Are the model & photographer on the same page?" [In the blog, "The Eye of The Beholder"]

Now that I look back at my work from last year, and this summer, especially, I find that all of my models are giving me some type of "come hither" look. Whether they do it on purpose, are just very flirty or have gotten comfortable with me on such a level, it's hard to know.

But I have noticed a pattern.

Very few male photographers catch the looks that I catch with my lens. We, as people, may say that we are 'comfortable,' with someone, but unless our eyes, and our jaws relax, we are lying through our teeth. And that goes for the photographer too. The models aren't the only ones who need to be comfortable. If we aren't comfortable shooting the work that we say that we can, then our own work will not be 'top-notch'. There will be an artist's lack of presence, and shockingly, that shows.

There is no amount of money that will fix that.

No amount of 'getting to know one another better,' no. It's all hit or miss. Either you are comfortable with the person you are working with, or you're not.

If you have time, take a trip around the images shown through Model Mayhem. It's good training. You will be able to tell who's comfortable, who's not, who was paid, who's commercial, who could care less, and who is just downright awful. It's all there. The emotion, the presence, the quality, the business, the amateurs, the horrible ones -it's all there in one site.

With me, I don't know what it is that I do to get my models to look at me the way that they do. I'm just me. I work to make sure that I'm fully present at every shoot, and that my heart is really with them, and with the lens. Without that, there's no magic coming from me. I leave the rest to them. If they bring it, I get killer photos, if they don't, I'm lucky if I grab a commercial shot.

I am so looking forward to see what Dr. Lightness and I come up with. We already have a powerful online, and technology alike connection -I can only imagine what it will turn to when we meet 'officially' for the first time this Christmas.

It is, after all, a matter of how they look at me.

"Naughty Or Nice?"
Model: Jessyka Dawn
Photography, Post Processing & Copyright © Josefina Photography 2011

Decades Past

2011-10-16T14:33:00.000-07:00

"Goodbye Teenaged Wasteland"
Photo By: Tiffany Parchment | Edited By: Josefina

"You only see what your eyes want to see, how can life be what you want it to be, you're frozen...when your heart's not open." -Madonna, "Frozen"

I can tell you right now, I am glad that I am out of my 'teenage' years. Not that I was much of a teen to begin with, but just in general. That is a decade that I do not care to remember. The sad part about the turn of time, and becoming 20, as I did yesterday, is that I'm still left with some of the mess that is a part of my teenaged wasteland. There is justice that needs given, and not much I can do about (legally) for another several years. There are also relationship ties that I've had to cut, and am still cutting -as they are not healthy ones.

I need the start of this decade to be a happy and a healthy one.

For too long I have held on to anger, sadness, and hurt, and I promise you, somehow with in the next ten years, that whole mess will be solved. It's just sad that I have to wait a few more years to accomplish such things. I'm tired of being exhausted. I'm tired of feeling like I'm being chased. I'm tired of feeling helpless. And now, with the help & encouragement of others, I believe that change is coming my way.

Madonna has a point when she sings, "You're frozen...when your heart's not open." That's probably among the truest of statements I have heard in a long while. You are frozen; and for a majority of my teen years, I was. My heart wasn't open to anyone, and I was rather a hateful person. But within the last year or so, that has started to change. I began to do some self-searching, and looking for a way out of the rut that I had been in for too long.

Not long after my questions on how to get out of where I was, I met model, (and now very dear, personal friend), Unbearable-Lightness. Over the past year I have learned so much from her, and especially in the last two months leading up to my 20th birthday. Our conversations have only further opened my eyes as to the great potentials in life, and what could come my way. So, I thank you for that, Lightness, you are a very dear person & I know that working with you will be a moment I'll remember forever.

In the meantime, the next decade is still an empty book, with big white pages to start entering my story into. And now that I feel I have a bit more control of my life, and who I am -as a general whole. I know that change is coming, and the mess that was part of my teenage years will be cleaned up, and dumped right back into the wasteland where it belongs.

"We live in a corrupt world, and we become corrupt in it, but the meaning of life comes in the moments of grace when we climb to the top of the stair and let our hearts and souls connect with the sun, the stars, and the moon, everything above and untouched by the world we inhabit." -Unbearable-Lightness

"Zen"
Model: Sitara Bird | Taken & Edited By: Josefina
Josefina Photography © 2011

Repeating Patterns

2011-10-09T15:44:00.000-07:00

"October's Past"
© Josefina Photography 2011

"All things on earth point home in old October; sailors to sea, travelers to walls and fences, hunters to field and hollow and the long voice of the hounds, the lover to the love he has forsaken." ~Thomas Wolfe

I have never been one for October. Ever. Even as a little kid, I just knew that there was something unsettling about it. I couldn't tell you what, but I was always uneasy. I'm not sure if that has to do with the fact that I was born in October, or if it's through all the events that have happen in October, either way, I'm wary of the month.

I guess you could say there is something unsettling about the changing of seasons - some people find it calming, yet in a mild sense I find it rather frightening - I don't always like the way that time moves. There is no standstill in time. There is when the wind blows, and the leaves stop dancing. But there isn't one within time. I suppose that's what frightens me the most. People always say that "New Year's" is the beginning of a new year. No, for me, that's October. Winter, Spring & Summer doesn't affect me as much. The occasional hum of a far-off airplane might get me every now and again, but nothing gets me like October.

In less than six days, I will be two decades old. (That's 20 for those that don't care to take the time to figure out what two decades equal.) However, I feel much older. Like, I should have been out of college, had a job, and maybe even be sending my non-existent child off to elementary school. And in a way, that's exactly what should be happening right now. But it's not. My body is stuck within the molasses of time, while my brain has shot a few light years ahead.

And I'm reminded every time the leaves fall that another year has passed.

"Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life." ~Steve Jobs

In a sad sense, it's also the season of death. As disturbing as it is to say, it is. The 'Grim Reaper' which makes it's rounds for sure on Halloween (all the damn drunks), seems to start his job from the day it hits October 1st. Like this month will land him some big fat ass paycheck from the devil, if he just starts appearing.

For the past eleven years October has been the trigger point of a loved one getting sick or passing away. My uncle died in October, mere weeks before my mother was taken to the ER on the 17th. Friends have committed suicide, fellow students have died in car crashes, and medical bills seem to hit the ceiling. It's a repeating pattern, and has been so, up until October of last year. For once, there wasn't a single death or life threatening illness. In October anyways, for a year, that pattern was broken.

However, instead of smiling, it became of great concern to my father, who like me, is fully well aware of what October had come to bring. And it got him talking about death, even more so than it had in the past. And now that it's October, I'm on the edge of my seat, sneaking silent glances at my iPhone making sure that my neighbor hasn't called to tell me that there's something wrong with my father. Just because the world jumped a year - or the Grim Reaper decided to give us a break, doesn't mean that it won't come back. In a sense it has, friends have lost a few loved ones in the past week and a half, and the world lost a brilliant icon, Steve Jobs. But some force, somewhere needed them. Their time of Earth was done. And we can take comfort in knowing that they no longer face the cruelties of the world that we are yet to endure.

It's funny that other people's death never used to have an effect on me. I was never one to feel sad when the world lost someone, but that has changed as I've grown older. I feel other's sadness, and something can have an effect on me for days to weeks at a time. October is back to repeating it's same bloody pattern.

I may have been born in the month, and it may complete a new year, but I won't be surprised if I died in the month of October too - years from now. It's one of those awful things that I feel like I know.

There is something within the emotion of the photo (used above) that really caught my eye. The general sense of October, I guess. I have only recently met Mal (the model) but I already know she's so much older than she is. She became a mother at a young age, and she has the quiet presence around her that seems to tell so much more than she will ever dare say.

Most of our drive to the state park was just a comfortable, but dead, silence. As though there were no voices needed to convey personal stories. And I believe that this image captures it the best. Her look, the expression playing on her face, the colors of autumn fading behind her as the sun sets - it displays something that I, myself, can't express. That of October's Past.

"No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet, death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new." ~Steve Jobs

You Heard It Through The Grapevine

2011-10-06T17:01:00.000-07:00

"Autumn Thoughts"
Josefina Photography 2011

"If you didn't hear it with your own ears or see it with your own eyes, don't invent it with your small mind & share it with your big mouth."-Anonymous

With autumn rolling in, at full force, it's really beginning to feel like school. The work keeps piling up, the nights get colder, professors are starting to regret assigning such long tests/papers, students are starting to lack sleep, and we all fall into this rigid schedule of school 'life'. The schedule that sometime ago, we planned out for ourselves, the schedule that doesn't leave us much free time.

Or so you would think.

Being the young minds that we are - we find ways to create free time. I had my classes planned around my photography & MY need for space. Others find a way to slip in 2 parties in one night, and STILL manage to get their papers done. Others still, combine socializing and studying in one - taking their study group to a restaurant - eating & comparing notes. And then we come to the ones that create time for drama. Like it's hardwired into them.

These are the ones who find the need to have the spotlight on themselves, twenty-four fucking seven. These are the ones who go OUT OF THEIR WAY to make sure they play the "he said-she said" game. They are also the ones that tend to be the fake-est people out there.

Sadly, my house as a whole, has run into such a person. For almost two solid months, I have been this person's sounding board - listening to what they had to say, giving advice, etc. Unfortunately, this meant that I had to hear about all their opinions about every individual in this house. Now, I did my job and kept my mouth shut. Not a single word that they had told me - reached my housemates ears.

Last night, the person apparently gave my entire house some problems (while I was away studying) & I came home to find one hell of an angry house. And their anger carried over into this morning. Where we all met in my room for one of the longest house meetings that we had had yet. Words started to fly, stories got told & I found out that this person has been saying shit about me during the entire time I have been their friend & sounding board. I also found out that the assumptions that they make, are taken to heart & actually SPREAD AROUND campus to other students - to many of whom, it is none of their concern. The girls then asked me if this person had been saying crap about them, where I told them "yes," but refused to tell them what. (Somethings need to be left unsaid.)

But this explains quite a lot. In the past several weeks, we have all had people ask us some of the strangest questions, or just quit talking to us in general - like we aren't even here anymore. But with what we discussed this morning, seems to fit the bill rather well. We all currently have to "apologize" to a few people for saying shit about them that we never said, and we all have to currently go on "rumor patrol" and clean up some of the nastier rumors that are now flying around, near professors' ears.

Which is not only sad & pathetic, but downright disgusting.

It amazes me every day that there are those who are SO willing to WASTE their free time, creating a drama hell for those who only want to do good, have done nothing too them, because they are simply in SUCH a need for attention that they will do ANYTHING to get it. Including losing some of their own friends, to get that much needed spotlight. We, the house, as a whole, are quite done. We've taken so much crap this week from this person, from people that we thought were friends, that our patience are simply gone.

I personally, don't have enough time to deal with petty drama such as this. I run my own business. I am taking 18 credits this semester. - That right there is two full time jobs overlapping one another. - My father's health, which has been declining over the years - seems to be doing so more and more rapidly. There are plenty of things to worry about. And then, we've got my own personal choices, of opening my life up to those that really need it, and becoming that ear of listening. I don't mind that, but it really means, that I don't have the patience for the baby shit. I don't have the patience for immature lies, and the overwhelming need to be in the spotlight, and the added on stress.

"Live each day as if it was your last."

Last night -after I got home- I read an article written by alicexz on deviantart. The first bit of it struck me:

"When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: 'If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right.' It made an impression on em, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: 'If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?' And whenever the answer has been 'No' for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something." - Alicexz

Everything about that paragraph is true. If they were to REALLY look into the mirror every day, and ask themselves 'if today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?' I highly doubt that 'creating drama' would be high on that list.

But you see, especially with people such as the one I'm talking about, they are looking either too far into the mirror to comprehend other parts of the world, or we are simply gazing past it. Not thinking about the consequences that it will have on us. I know, that nowhere on my list does it say 'would like to lose a friend today'. No, I'd rather keep the friends that I have, and focus on the things that I care about - friends, family, photography....some school - over some petty little drama created by someone who can't be bothered looking into a mirror & asking themselves a serious question.

So, before you open your mouth to spread something that you shouldn't, pause, and look at yourself in a mirror. Are those twenty minutes that you're about to waste really worth the wasting? If the answer is 'no' then drop it and move on. We don't know how many 'tomorrows' we've got left. We have to make sure that every day, every hour counts. So, don't believe everything that you've heard through the grapevine. Come to the source itself, get your answer, and move on.

Time is far too precious.

Get Classy

2011-09-28T16:07:00.000-07:00

"White Light"
Model: Sitara
'A big thank you to Sara Jennifer Panza's team for lighting & makeup & assisting!'
Photographer/Post Processing/Copyright: Josefina

"I think there's a fine line between being a slut and being classy. I walk in between that line."-Katy Perry

Yes, there is a fine line between being a slut and being classy. Just as there is a fine line between modeling for artistic nude shots and straight up porn, and between acting uneducated, and speaking like a proper human being.

While social status could be a way we view "class" it's not the correct way. Many celebrities have done things to get famous & then years down the line, when they have kids, they regret what they've done & wish they could erase that part of their lives. What celebrities chose to do, should not be what we model ourselves after. The only thing intelligent that I have heard come out of Paris Hilton's mouth, is that she regrets making that porn video. Why? Because she's going to have to explain that to her children. And really, that messes the kid up. I would know, I have a few friends, who's parents were in that industry & they didn't take the news too well.

You see, when you are a child (if you are loved right, and not abandoned) your mother is your idol. She is also the one who teaches you everything from social etiquette, to her day-to-day values and core beliefs. All of that becomes a lie, when you have to explain to your child that "mommy was a porn star". Everything that you taught them, no longer matters to them anymore, because you just made yourself a hypocrite.

That isn't classy.

When you apply for a professional job, or any sort, you are asked to write a bit about yourself, and the places you've worked & the things you've done on your resume. Employers are NOT looking for things like "Imma be so gud at this job, cuz i woke up n thought it b kool to try it."

You did go to school right?!

I'm sure that another thing your mother taught you (if your teacher didn't) - besides social etiquette, was how to spell. The other night, I got a message via my website with someone looking to hire me as their photographer. Which would be nice & all, if it didn't look like such a spam message. Nothing was spelled correctly. Everything was in text "speak". And if there is anything that annoys me the most, it's talking like your six years old, not knowing how to spell when you've got a FULL keyboard in front of you. There is no reason to be asking me things like: "I rlly lyk ur wk, n i think it b gud if u cud wk wit me. Ive been out of modeling 4 a while now n lookin' to get back in. ur stuff is really gud, keep doin lyke that."

....I'm sure that just took you about 5 minutes to decipher.

Um, what? I'm sorry, but I believe you have contacted the wrong person. You're looking to use me for a professional job? And you want me to work with you based on what you wrote? First impressions mean everything.

If you can't take the time out of your day to spell correctly, what in god's name does that say about the rest of your life? Do you just half ass your modeling too? Do you just half ass the work that you do? Because the last time I checked, I was educated. In the matter of fact, I've been educated in some of the best schools & I've had extra summer courses in typing, in handwriting, and in grammar. Don't automatically assume that everyone is like you. I, for one, know how to spell. I don't even text using text "speak". It drives me insane. You look uneducated, and you certainly aren't going to get a job writing like that. I certainly am not going to give you the time of day, if you can't take the time to type correctly.

Acting uneducated because you're too lazy to write complete sentences, is not classy.

My mother was a very classy person. She wrote children's stories, she spent time working for charities, and she always made sure to act respectfully towards others. Even if she disliked them. My mother also took time out of her life to teach me how to write. I was sent to many handwriting classes, and my aunt Jackie worked for: "Handwriting Without Tears" a program which is still run to this day, and one that was used on me. So when I say I don't like text speak, I mean, I don't like text speak. I will not hire you, or let you hire me if that is how you chose to talk to me. End of story.

What makes someone classy is their attitude, how they present themselves to the world. Whether that be through art, their first impressions, or how they treat others, there is always something rather significant about them that makes them stand out from the rest. Besides my mother, & my educational consultant, I will have to say that one of the classiest people I have met is fellow blogger, artist, and friend, Dr. Carla Johnson. Much like Katy Perry, she walks her own fine line. The fine line in between looking like a slut, and creating some seriously classy pieces of artist nude art. Not many nude models can pull off something tasteful with every shot - but she does.

"Linked In"
Models: Carla Johnson & Fitness 101
Photographer: A.J. Khan

"Fog"
Model: Carla Johnson
Photographer: AJ Khan

"Fashion fades, only style remains the same."-Coco Chanel

The same is true for class. Fashion fades, people change, but class, class can remain the same. You just need to keep yourself grounded & continue treating others with the same respect that you expect for yourself. To someone, somewhere, you are classy.

We See Just What We Want To See

2011-09-23T21:12:00.000-07:00

"When A Friend Wants A Ride"
Friendship: A Reason to Smile
Photographer: Steven A. Brown
Models: Lea Dodson & Carla Johnson
Post-Processing: Josefina Photography
2011

"There are many things, that I can do or say, that won't make the problems go away. There are many things each of us can do, to look out and beyond, to not be focused on you. Words that we say, don't always take the problems away. And it's true, when I look out, I see you. But for once, I'm not worried about what you say you will do. This time I'm focused on me & not on you."-The things I write in my free time

"Life is what you make of it, it's how you perceive it, you basically see, what you want to see."-So said one of my today professors. And she is right. Life is what you make of it. And you do see what you "want" to see.

For those that have been under fire (for whatever reason), know all too well how those people hurting us, see us. They see "us" as the commercial problem. "We" are the one's standing in their way. "We" are the ones who are purposefully sticking our feet out to watch them trip and fall on their faces. This is how "they" see "us"-that "we" are the ones that will prevent them from getting exactly what they want.

But that's now how we see ourselves.

We see ourselves as those who are just trying to make our way in life. We are doing our own thing. We aren't trying to step over or on any type of egg shells. For all that you know, we could be trying to make a difference in this world.

But they, they don't see this.

They have developed a picture of what we "should" be like in real life, based on the fact that that's the image that they have let themselves create. To them, we are the problem, we are the one's that are in their way, and we have the things that they don't.

But that's a false accusation.

Everyone is just trying to make their way in the world, & I think that as a general whole, we, as people, forget that. We get caught up in the world of drama. In the world of prying into everyone's business, because we don't want to focus on our own crap. We, as humans, fuck up. It's a natural thing. But just because we do, doesn't mean that anyone else, besides ourselves are to blame. It's nice to point fingers and to "name call", to feel like it wasn't us that screwed up. But at the end of the day, that's reflected on ourselves. On our souls and in our thoughts. It was us, as the individual, who said what we said, and did what we did. It was the individual that caused the problem to arise. Not the public's fault. Not our friend's fault. No, ours, as an individual. As a population, we forget that we, and ONLY we, are responsible for all of our actions. Only we can fix what we've created.

All of us have gotten so caught up in how we treat ourselves, and in the petty drama, that we forget that we're suppose to be living right now. Sitting behind a computer screen, or standing by a locker, name-calling, all that isn't living. Living is finding things that we love, and surrounding ourselves with them. Living is doing something that we have a passion for. Living is being comfortable & at peace with ourselves. Finding our inner child, and being connected with every part of ourselves.

For some, their living is based on dance. The awards that they've won, the competitions that they've been in, or the lessons that they teach. For others, their living is their photography. They are allowed to get caught up in their own creative world and create images that are real, surreal, or embrace the human form. For others still, their living is in their writing or their teaching. They live to make a difference, hoping that their worlds will touch the souls of someone to needs to listen or who has been there to listen. They write, for even just ONE person to read, for that one that will make all the difference. We do things, because we want to hear feedback. We want to embrace what we have learned, and what has been taught to us; we do things, so that we may live.

When a professor gets their evaluation card, they want to know if what they have said & taught, had an impact on their students. That they have made, at least, a small educational difference in their lives. They hope that they have taught you a valuable lesson, and that you can remember at least some of their words to use later on in life.

When a photographer gets their work published, they want to know if they have touched someone's eyes artistically. That their work has drawn in just one person, or even inspired another. They want others to see the story that they were trying to create, and what it means to have created that.

When a writer, writes, they are looking for that "one" person. That one who will take time to read, and take their words to heart. The ones who will comment & start a friendly debate, the one's who will be touched, and the ones who are inspired enough to go write something on their own. They hope that their opinions will make us think, change the way that we perceived a previous thought, or even shine a new light on things that were already commonly known.

As people, we want to know that things will be okay. We want that comfort of someone loving us for who we are, of someone nurturing us, of someone guiding us down the rough path of life, and of someone building the foundation of a new path, for when we must set ourselves free and go off on our own. We experience loss, nightmares, the sadness of watching someone really die, what it means to lose a mother or a father at a young age, what it means to grow up on the streets, to grow up poor - to not know when the next meal is coming. What it means to be a member of a gang, what it means to grow up in jail, and what it means to have a family, or to be alone - without one.

We, as individuals, all have a different story. Something that has lead us to become who we've become. And we must focus on our roots, and what history has taught us. We do so, so that we may move forward in our lives & move on from the hurt, the abuse, and the destruction. So that we can find love, some common ground, or even hope. So that we can walk down our path, and make the right decisions when we hit a fork in the road; so that we can make a name for ourselves and leave our own footprints.

We don't want to be remembered for something that we're not.

What we do or say to anyone or anything, is a direct reflection of ourselves. If we are mean, hurtful, and out to get someone, that is the image that we paint for ourselves. That is the footprint that we leave behind. If we are hurt deep down, we need to shine some light on those problems and work through them. Not hide behind them. Not attacking others, not blaming others, not destroying someone and everything they've worked for, because we were too lazy to get off of our asses and work for ourselves. If we have got something, we've worked for it. No one has "everything" and everyone's life is far from "perfect". So it's pointless to waste time leaving behind such an ugly footprint.

What we say & do, can and will be used against us.

Only the individual can be in control of the image that we've created for ourselves. Only the individual can control the reflection that we chose to see.

So, step back...take a minute and look at your life. Have you forgotten the small things? Do you remember where true happiness comes from? Are you hiding from yourself? Do you know what it's like to be loved, by yourself, your children, your friends, husband/girlfriend/boyfriend/wife, family? Do you remember what it means to live?

If you don't, then take some time away from the computer screen, from your school work, from your office, from that upcoming deadline, and rediscover something that you love. Put your energy & your focus into that. Learn what it means to live.

You've still got that chance to start over.

You're Entertainment?

2011-09-18T20:16:00.000-07:00

"Choke On This"
Models: Shauna & Jessyka Dawn
Photographer: Josefina
Post Processing & Copyright: Josefina Photography
2011

“No escaping when I start, once I’m in I own you heart/There’s no way you’ll ring the alarm, so hold on until it’s over! Oh, do you know what you got into? Can you handle what I’m about to do? Cuz it’s about to get rough for you, I’m here for your entertainment.” –Adam Lambert

So, the topic of diva’s, and “that one bitch” has been on the tongues of everyone’s mouth this week. My roommate is dealing with “that one bitch,” we’ve got a few of “those bitches” walking around campus, and everyone is getting sick & tired of it at the exact same time.

I don’t blame them though. We’ve been here for a month.

People are starting to feel comfortable with one another, so they are dropping their masks & all their fake shit. And they are revealing themselves. Some of them are still pretty….still people that we all want to get to know. But, there are those with inflated egos & those with some nasty intentions and you just want to stay the hell away.

And really I’m getting tired of this. I mean, you come into a new environment – of course you are going to be nervous as hell, but honestly? You don’t need this fake stuff. You make yourself out to be someone you’re not. You get friends based on this fact, & then you wonder why you have NO friends come Christmas break? Because you forgot to lie & you forgot to keep your stories straight & people lose interest. Most of us could care less for your crap.

We want to know the real you.

Everyone gets the real me when they meet me. I’m one of the few who, “what you see, is what you get.” I’m pierced, I’m tattooed, and I don’t take shit from anyone. The end.

“Love me or hate me, it’s still an obsession, Love me or hate me, that is the question. If you love me, then thank you! If you hate me, then fuck you!”-Lady Sovereign

I could give less of a crap if you hate me. I don’t know what I did to piss you off, but whatever, it’s cool. Waste your energy & waste your breath. But for godsakes, don’t waste my time with your baby shit. Get the fuck outta here. Don’t drag me into some situation that does not exist. Do not try to “ruin” friendships that I have with others, and do not try and pretend you know me. Because you don’t.

I don’t care what kind of personality you gather from the internet, or from a picture. Those are all in your head. When you meet me, I’d probably piss you off because I’m not the person you thought I was. I’m not anyone’s ventriloquist doll. There is nothing about you that can control me, so honestly, you’re wasting your own time. And really, you are just making life shittier for yourself. Why do you want to do that? Why does anyone want to do that to themselves? Do you honestly hate yourself that much? What the hell happened to you, that made you hate on others so damned much? I mean, really.

You become a very annoying little mosquito. I don’t like mosquitoes.

I don’t get everything I want. So, I’m not a diva. I actually have to work for the things I have. I do NOT have a perfect life, so I don’t understand why you’d want to go after me. Because I’m determined? Or because you want to see how far you can push me? Can you not stand others success? Does it not occur to you, that I have worked to be where I am now? That this stuff wasn’t just handed to me on a silver platter? *sigh* I just get so sick of the crap that people try shoving under my feet & leave in my mailbox. I mean really. Please find something better to do.

But since, we all know that won’t happen. Just know, that really could care less what image you make me out to be. I don’t have a bird beak. I don’t creep in your windows at night. I have my own shit to deal with. So please, keep at it. You hate me? That’s fine. Fuck you too.

A True Somebody

2011-09-17T00:24:00.000-07:00

Audrey Hepburn

"As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others."-Audrey Hepburn

Considered one of the world's most famous actresses, Audrey Hepburn still has an effect on the youth of today. Her impeccable fashion sense, her humbleness, & her willingness to help others certainly made her stand out in the world of popularity. Many of my friends, including myself, are inspired by her - her acting career, & her personality as a whole..

As she aged, she appeared in fewer movies, but remained a strong, prominent figure through her charity work. Her war-struggle past kept her grounded & willing to reach out to those that needed help. She spent much of her time helping out with UNICEF, a charity that then provided emergency food & healthcare to children in the countries that had been hurt by World War II. Today, it puts emphasis on promoting health & the well-being of children in third world countries.

An organization that my father & I still contribute (regularly) too. When I think of the petite Audrey Hepburn, I am reminded of my mother. Who was very much a quiet Somebody. A very independent woman, but one who was shy, humble and rather fashionable. She had friends & acquaintances the world over. Retired from the government at a young age to take care of me, she took to writing. (While my father took to working longer hours.) She wrote for mainly for children & young adults. She wanted a chance to make a child smile, she had said. One of her stories was published in the August 1994 issue of Turtle magazine.

The story was about a small boy who had been confined to a wheelchair & very much wanted to play with the other children, but didn't know how to make friends. In the end, he has succeeded in making a paper kite - attracting the attention of the other children on the playground below his apartment. And quickly making friends. The lesson taught (as my mother always pointed out), was that it was okay to be different. It was okay to stand out in the crowd, and it was okay to make a difference. Something of which, has stuck with me throughout the years.

Mother herself, wasn't fashionable in the sense that Audrey Hepburn was, but she did indeed own one (small) little black dress. (Something of which, I have only recently discovered in the depths of her closet.) But my mother was also an icon among her friends. And even to my father. He was never out of line when she was around, things were kept neat & pretty. Everyone called her for advice. Everyone called to hear her latest story & she always had a kind word to say to you. She always smiled too. Even on her bad days. She didn't want her bad day to ruin yours.You could have almost compared us to a story book. Dad went to work to make the money, mother stayed home to take care of me.

I was adopted when I was two months old - her little dream come true. I was a spoiled little princess then. When I look at the storage containers from my childhood....lets just say I won't need to go shopping for my own child. We've got a small store of our own! - but nevertheless my mother taught me what it meant to be 'grounded' at a very early age. She would read to me every night, from before I could talk until she was too sick to sit at my bedside. "Goodnight Moon", "Harold & The Purple Crayon," "The Giving Tree" & "Little House on the Prairie" series were the long time favorites. She also read from "The Book of Virtues," one virtue every night. As I grew older, she allowed my father exposed me to the fantasy side of life with his sci-fi books & "The Wizard of Oz". (All fourteen books in the series). Between the two of them, my artistic side grew like ivy. My father, a hard working professor & my mother the writer, became the backbone of my very young art.

When I turned six she was diagnosed with Cerebral Ataxia & Parkinson's Disease. The world changed.

Not long after she was rushed to the ER for phenomena. She spent six months in the ICU on life support. From there, she was eventually moved to a nursing home. Recovered some, the smile returned to her face, she communicated with us using a letter board. She witnessed 9/11 on the news & expressed her worry for me to my father, who assured her that school was cancelled and things would be alright. She spent three solid years fighting both diseases in her body - doing everything she could to stay alive for me. But eventually the diseases won. On May 4th, 2002, she quietly passed away.

When I think about her now, I think about what an influence she had on my life then, and through the decisions that I make now. Both of my biological parents where artists, one a traditional artist & the other an architect - and my adoptive parents encouraged me to take part in any & all art that I wanted. My father, an intellectual figure, has growled around knowing full well, I will NOT be the mathematical & science genius that he is, but has come to accept the fact that I take after both mothers.

Every now and again, I stop by mother's closet (something that has been left untouched since the day she was taken to the ER) & look at that little black dress, or the wedding gown & feel as though she is still there. She may not have been as 'pretty' (to some) as Audrey Hepburn was to the world, but she was an icon in her own sense. Everyone she met would never forget her. And she did the change the world, little bits at a time. Her donation to charity, her volunteer work & her writings, changed lives & brought smiles to everyone's face. Today, I'm sure she would be honored to have been compared to such a wonderful actress, as Miss Hepburn & I know that she will be remembered by all that knew her.

Happy 66th birthday Mom. I love you so very much. Thank you for all the inspiration that you have given me, & for the courage you have given my father to continue on. Thank you for your stories & your smiles & your endless love. I miss you.

"Me (Age 2.5/3) & Mommy"
1946-2002

"Somewhere, over the rainbow...skies are blue/And the dreams that you dare to dream, really do come true." -Judy Garland, "Somewhere Over The Rainbow"

Into Your Life I'll Creep

2011-09-13T21:16:00.000-07:00

"Timeless Expectancy"
Model: Miss Mischief
Photograher: Josefina Photography
Copyright © 2011

"Are you stalking me? Because that would be super." -Ryan Reynolds

We've all heard of "the peeping tom." In the matter of fact, I'm nearly 95% sure that most of us have been peeped on at least once in life. Well thanks to the internet, we don't need to peep nearly as much as we used too. At least not in person. And you know what this means? Less of you get restraining orders & less of you go to jail. Goody goody for you.

So, I'm sitting there in my Security Risk Analysis course tonight & we were going over how hackers work-what they are capable of, and why the Internet is both our enemy & our best friend. One of the main facts that my teacher stressed was the use of cameras. Look at your laptop for a minute. Do you have a webcam? You do? Cool. Someone, somewhere is most likely enjoying a little show. The show of your life. Do you leave your webcam uncovered? Do you leave your laptop on the bed while you change? You do? Well, someone, somewhere just watched that. Yea, that's right. They peeped you. Without being there.

But you see, it's not just the webcams you must worry about. No, it's your cellphone cameras as well. iPhones often have double sided cameras. Super experienced hackers could be tapping into that, and watching you where you go. Granted they are probably not interested in you & how you look...which is most likely a hot mess, depending on the angle of your texting hands. No, they are after the details in your life.

Yet, despite all this, the Internet has become our best friend.

We shop, we chat, we post online, we state opinions, we make friends, we meet potential lovers, we create drama, we get into trouble, we spread news, we watch shows, we sing along to YouTube videos, we check our bank accounts, we shop some more, oh, yea, and we creep. So, for the most part-we actually like the Internet. We get most of things done using the computer nowadays. I know I do. My photos are online. Most of the communication to meet models is done online. My teachers and I communicate online. We watch many of our class presentations online. But we also have developed this bad habit of creeping.

I guess in a sense, you could thank Facebook for that. As my friends like to say, "Oh, yea! I saw that photo of you!....I totally wasn't Facebook stalking or anything." <--No, of course you weren't. You just typed in my name, went to my page, flipped through about 150 photos, and liked a random one from a year and a half ago. Cute. That's not creeping. Oh no, that's just "checking in". With my life. From a year ago. Yea, you're cool.

Same thing goes for DeviantArt. You find someone you like, you watch them, you fave a good 5-10 pieces from their gallery, ranging anywhere from 3 days ago, to 5 years ago. And then, because you want to "know who they are," you creep their journal entries. All the way the hell back until you feel you know everything.

Oh, you're sooo cool, because now you know every damned thing about this artist.

Well, that would be all fine and dandy-if it weren't for the fact that perhaps you're back every single damn day to see if they had posted something new about their personal life. Maybe some of you forget that if you're a premium member, you have a visitor's tracker. We see you.

Or maybe you're one of those sweethearts, who figured out how to turn your tracker off-so that you could creep more privately. Oh yea. You think we don't know if we're being peeped on?

With the amount of people all of us know-something is bound to get back to our ears.

But guess what? Lucky for you, we can't do a damned thing about it. Why? Because you've gone all anonymous now. And this is the Internet. You aren't here in person, so we can't call the cops on your ass. But you see, that's fine. Some of us actually like haters. Some of us even like the stalkers. Why? Because as long as you guys are talking & as long as you guys are stalking-that means we're a Somebody.

Don't look at me with your eyebrows raised.

If you care enough to come back and creep on us every single damned day-you obviously care about whatever it is you THINK we're doing. And because you care, that means that we're clearly a Somebody to you. For our lives are just so damn intriguing you can't get over us. Well, just keep talking because you're making us all famous....guess you didn't think of that did you? No. Probably not. But that's fine.

We welcome all of you with open arms.

And we have the Internet to thank for this! Well, that and our need for instant gratification. You want to know something about our lives a year ago? But don't want to be bothered trying to do a whole long background investigation on us (or you don't have the money too) - we know what you'll do. You'll find one of the 16+ websites we're on (as having one-means you've got no friends) & hunt as far back as you can. Yup. That's how you get employed nowadays. They check you & your personality out. That's how you get admitted to colleges now. That's basically how you get any & all your answers. At the tip of your fingers-on the Internet. Go figure.

But it goes both ways.

Maybe we do some Facebook creeping. Maybe we don't. Maybe, we actually have a life & could give less of a crap about how you all think you can control our day-to-day aspects by critiquing our every move online. Maybe, we actually don't give a rats ass, as to what you have to say about us. Why? Because it's just words. It's just an opinion that you all have formed from peeping into our metaphoric window to our online life. Maybe what we post online has absolutely NOTHING to do with what goes on in our personal lives. Maybe, we make shit up and post it for fun. You all don't know. Why? Because you haven't bothered to get to know the real us. Or, because we don't trust a single one of you & hide behind whatever Internet persona that we have created. You won't know. You will never know. You can make all the educated guesses you want-but you could very well be wasting your time, because all of you are wrong. Just some food for thought.

But remember, you can be peeping into our metaphoric windows all you damn well please. But maybe, just maybe, we're peeping right back at ya.

Sleep on that.

Remembrance

2011-09-11T01:00:00.000-07:00

"Remembrance II"
By: Aleks

"It is impossible to fully comprehend the evil that would have conjured up such a cowardly and depraved assault upon thousands of innocent people." -- Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien, Sept. 11.

I remember that I was in school. I was working on some project in the corner of the classroom, when the loud speaker came on & we were all told to go the the basement. The bomb shelter. As long as I had been at that school, I had never been down that flight of stairs. I was terrified. As was everyone else. My father was half way to work, on the highway-when it came on the radio. The next exit-he turned around to come home.

As parents arrived to pick up their children, they were asked to present IDs. It was though my school met the Boarder Control & teamed up. We were all watched like hawks by the two strictest teachers-and we were all silent. I don't remember any 4th-6th graders being as quiet as we were. My dad made it home, and walked to my school (the roads were too busy to drive). He flashed his ID & I left with him. My mother was in the nursing home. She saw it on the news there. We saw her briefly-before heading home. The rest of that evening was super silent as my dad sat-solemn faced as he watched the news.

The images were something you'd see out of a movie.

There was no way it was real. But it was. It was all too real. Even at that age, I comprehended what had happened. And like my father, sat cross legged on the floor and just watched one devastation image after the other flash across the TV for the rest of the night.

Many of my friends lost family members. I'm lucky nothing happened to my own family. But as I sit here, in my dining room-now in college-on this 10th anniversary of this horrific, tragic day; I remember each moment as though it was last night.

I feel the overwhelming sadness of our nation.

Many good people died when they didn't have too. Many families lost their loved ones. And many children have grown up without a mother or father because of this tragedy. Bless those who have suffered through & have some how, become strong again. Bless those, who have fought & died in an unnecessary war. Bless those, who are thankful that they are still alive.

Never forgotten.

The Traveler

2011-09-07T18:32:00.000-07:00

"Never The Same"
Josefina Photography 2011

"When the mornin' sun, streaks across my room, and I'm wakin' up from another dream of you...Yes, you know I'm on the road, once again it seems. All that's left behind-is a chain of broken dreams....but you know that I love you, you know that I love you."

-Dolly Parton, "But You Know That I Love You"

You ever hear songs that just seem to trigger something within you? It stirs thoughts or even emotions? That is what this song does to me. And I'm not sure why. I had forgotten that I even had this on my iPod until a few weeks ago, when I was shuffling though songs, it started playing. I couldn't seem to make myself switch songs. It's taken me til now to realize why that song triggers that something within me. It usually plays when I'm getting ready to leave something in the past. And only then. Like it stays hidden in my 7000+ songs, and only appears on that one day.

I have at least 10 of Dolly Parton's CDs & I remember the time when my dad came upstairs to tell me that my mother had passed. This song was playing. When I moved on from Montessori school down to my first boarding school in North Carolina-it was playing. It also played while I was packing to move up to Pennsylvania. It's been a little clockwork reminder of something through all these years, and now it just finished playing. I don't know what I'm leaving behind, or saying goodbye too that's so significant that the song dug itself out of hiding. But I do know that I'm not moving.

Granted the past four years haven't been easy, I've lost a few loved ones & I've been left with this sense of wanting. I'm not sure exactly what it is I want, but whatever it is, I want it. And I have dropped a few "friends" here & there, because their relationship with me was never solid & really wasn't doing anything positive for me. And I'm currently trying to slip away from another, rather haunting "relationship," and leave it & it's memories in a discarded box on the side of the road that I'm wandering. But I don't feel that being significant enough to be hearing that song.

"And if only I could find my way back to the time, when the problems of this life Had not yet crossed my mind-and the answers could be found in children's nursery rhymes."

I am very much a traveler. I'm never settled for long-before I'm on the move. Maybe not in a physical sense (however, this is the longest I have stayed in any state) but my mind wanders often. To 'what could be', to new pictures, new land. I use these travels to create my writings. The poems, short stories, etc. Those are all fragmented pieces of a scattered tale told by the 'wind'. My dreams & writings then become inspiration to my work in art-photography & drawings. Just as music does. So maybe I'm off to a new territory-to tell a new imaginary story, to write some sort of drama, or to write poetry as I grab the thoughts out of thin air.

Or maybe I'm on this hunt to find what it is I'm wanting so bad. To get this empty hole filled. Who knows. But that song, which has always been a significance, has let me know that something is just around the bend.

"But you know we can't live on dreams alone. Got to pay the rent, so I must leave you all alone. Cause you know I made my choice many years ago, & now this travelin' life, well, it's the only life I know..."

Ramblings of the night.

Fleeting

2011-09-04T00:06:00.000-07:00

"Possessed By Light"
Model: Felicia Simon
Photographer: Tiberius Hodoroabă

Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's the time of night, whichever it is, I just feel as though time (my time) is slipping away. Like I don't have many years left here on Earth. I'm not sure if I should celebrate that fact or not. I know that whenever my soul should depart my body, that my life will be unfinished. And most likely, I'll be in the middle of some massive project, because that's the type of life I seem to lead.

She's sitting there, in the chair by the window. The warm sunlight dancing across her skin. She's reminiscing through all the old memories, quietly saying her goodbyes. She knows that she's lucky to have met & worked with, or even spoken too as many people as she had the chance too. Off in the distance a bird sings, the soothing roar of a jet plane can be heard & all is well. Her turmoil here is coming to an end. All her answers to her "why" questions will be finally answered. She smiles, eyes closed. Her lips part-a goodbye kiss to the world. And just like that, all her troubles have gone away.

^That is how I'm feeling right now. I just painted a pretty realistic picture for you.

Jet planes have always been a soothing noise to me. Whenever they flew over my house, I associated the sounds with the sunlight that would dance across my (then clean) living room floor. I remember when my mother was in the nursing home, & I sitting on the recliner that was far to big for me, my father still sleeping-with my eyes closed. Just listening. Listening to the sound that I knew would always be there as long as I was. I can still tell you what was in my living room at the time, that it was Easter morning, and the weather was perfect-I can tell you all the thoughts & the emotions of that nine year old girl. The one that was sitting on the recliner that was far to big for her.

The only good thing, that I can see about my fleeing time, is that my "why" questions won't haunt me anymore. Why did I have to suffer the loss of three mothers, isn't one enough? Why this, why that....the list goes on. I know that as long as I live, as a human, I won't know those answers, because I'm not wise enough to comprehend them.

I guess in essence, it's the same for everyone though. There will always be those who just Know when something is going to happen, and those that live their lives as though they are doing cartwheels through a field. No matter which way you live, there will always be those "why" questions, those thoughts that just makes a person stop and really reflect on their lives. Are you really living? Or are you simply drifting? Are you getting out of life what you need? Or only what you put in it? Do you really speak to those that you love? Or do you put on a superficial face, so that you can "fit in"? Do you follow your dreams? Or admire them from afar?

I think if you live your life & you treat it as though you are, indeed, in charge, you just might be able to carry out your dreams. And have the life that you wish. Sitting there, doing nothing, is obviously out.

I do have two final goals to execute. In fact, I refuse to part this world until at least these two things have been carried out (or started). And that is: a full year or two, doing nothing but traveling the world, working with models & photographing every day lives of people. Worldwide. I would tell you what my dream shoot is, but I don't want anyone to steal it. So I'll just keep that to myself. (Models/Photographers to work with in order: Unbearable-Lightness (Carla Johnson), Mosh, Ruby True, Jaime Ibarra, Scar, Jessa Peters, & Rae.) The other goal, would be to record a hit single, and album and have a year's worth of fame. A year's worth of time to do something that would help change the world.

My roommate Stephanie, & I were out on the porch at 3am, smoking cigarettes (I must stop that) and talking about our dreams. Hers is to visit space, to travel in a spaceship, while mine revolve around photography. Two very separate dreams, yet we understood one another all too well.

We must make use of this fleeting time.

I have also come to many conclusions over the past several weeks, more so in recent nights than anything else. Between spine-bending/hair raising dreams, lay-there-awake-all-night nights, smoking far too much, and eating more than the natural human should, I seem to have at least a small path to follow now, instead of just sitting there lost, like I was a few weeks ago. Maybe this is the tiredness talking, but maybe, for once, I actually understand myself, & why I do what I do. Why I connect with others the way I do. Why I need to have certain communication with some & why I'd rather not speak to others at all. It's making sense.

Maybe I'll accomplish my dreams after all. I will make use of this fleeting time.

Witchery

2011-09-01T09:44:00.001-07:00

"Witchery"
Model: Courtney Lashinsky
Photography & Edit: Josefina
Copyright 2011

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions."

-Madonna, 4 Minutes

When I was growing up, there was nothing that terrified me more than the thought of a witch, ghost, ghoul or vampire. I would turn off my light and leap into my bed, tucking the blanket around my feet as I did so. For the longest time I slept with only my nose out, until some evil kid told me that a witch would stop by and cut it off. I took to burrowing. Since then, it's a rarity that I sleep above the covers, let alone sleep uncovered. That childhood fear has stuck with me for quite some time.

Even now, I can't watch horror movies. I'll be up for days, months even. In 9th grade, I saw the movie Pet Cemetery. To most that's not even a horror film, it's something to laugh at. For me though, for me it was a nightmare. I didn't sleep for two solid months. My dad feared that I was going do some permanent damage to myself. As it was, the times that I did sleep I would have night terrors, I'd toss and kick, and almost broke a window once. I slept with music blaring, "to drown out the whispers in my dreams," I would tell the others, when in truth, I didn't hear anything at all, and could attempt to distract myself enough to fall asleep. I even had trouble with the Harry Potter Movies. After every once (except the last three) I would have terrible dreams.

Then I went to my second boarding school.

If that wasn't a life changing event I don't know what was. The place was supposedly haunted, and for a while I didn't believe anything. That was until 2am one night.

My roommate & I were wide awake working on this massive science project when we heard laughter in the hall. We knew that if got any louder our housemother would be awake, and our plan to stay up all night would be ruined. So we opened the door. Absolutely no one there. Just a breeze. In the hall. Indoors. Windows shut. Filled with laughter. No biggie. My roomie and I dove for the covers. We didn't finish the science project that night. The next morning, several others claimed they had heard it too, yet saw no one. Our housemother told us to be calm and to "not be ridiculous" but even as she said that, she too, paled a bit at the thought.

A week later my roommate and I slipped out of our room (at night) and onto the 3rd floor. We were on our way to surprise a birthday girl, & that's when we heard the chanting. It was coming from one of the dorm rooms. We knocked and opened it. One of the girls was sitting on the floor, candles everywhere. She had something in her hand that resembled a wand from the Harry Potter movies, and she held three crystals. She was chanting from a book that was open on the floor. She glanced up at us, still chanting, and she just didn't look right. We took off running. We never touched the 3rd floor at night again.

Throughout my years there it became apparent that she wasn't the only one practicing voodoo or black magic. Many girls had crystals in their rooms, their window sills, and in silk bags. More still had piles of candles hidden away-out of sight from the housemothers. By the time my second year had passed it was pretty clear where you could walk, and where you could't. Girls took over the soccer field, doing group chants at 4am, some claimed to see ghosts in the woods join them-that meant the woods were out. By my final year, I had made it pretty clear I wanted NOTHING to do with any of the girls or teachers that were practicing. Not only did I want nothing to do with them, I wanted nothing to do with the campus anymore. I had one path that I took from my house to school. Straying from it would give me night terrors.

You better believe I was overjoyed to graduate & to be set free.

However, my experience there has trained me to look for key aspects in every person that I meet. If there are bad vibes, or I feel I can't trust them for some-reason-that-I-can't-put-my-finger-on, I walk. Either that, or they have got to go.

And the wonderful thing is, I'm usually right.

Within days from my meeting them & walking away, they get into trouble, pulled over by a cop, lose half of their friends, or get caught in some sort of lie with someone else. I am very choosy when it comes to people & my friends, & in a sense with my work as well. I have had shoots where not a single photo turned out the way it should they have, & where the editing process was a nightmare. One of them even agreed with me that she didn't want to have the photos released/published & that it must have been an "off day". I didn't like her. Within a month later she lost all of her close friends to a lie & twisted tale. The famous he said, she said game. And it didn't end in her favor.

Now I'm not saying that everyone practices black magic with candles & crystals. Because they don't. And not saying everyone I meet or talk too, lies or has some vibe that screams "WALK AWAY NOW!" No, there are a lot of people who just simply are.

But I have come to believe that there are variations of my childhood fears that exist. A vampire is someone who is slightly deranged (in my opinion) and does, indeed, enjoy drinking blood. Just not human blood. (There was a Criminal Minds episode on that.) And as far as ghosts go, I do believe that places can be haunted. I've never seen a ghost (and quite frankly I'm glad), but I have heard things when there was no one around, both whispers & laughter, and I have felt presences-as though I was being watched.

Then there is the witch. By childhood definition, a witch is someone who's skin is green, has long white/grey hair, wears a tall pointed hat, hideous shoes, long pointed fingernails & a black dress.

Well unless you are an alien, chances are we won't be seeing any green skinned people roaming the Earth. And you can no longer judge if someone is a witch by how white or grey their hair is (especially now with that color coming back in style), their age, or if they have a black dress (who doesn't?) And no one walks around in pointed hats. Unless it is Halloween. Even then, that doesn't count. So how do you distinguish who is a witch & who is not? Well you can look at all the girls who felt they were accomplishing something, by sitting in a dark room surrounded by candles & chanting. (Spells don't seem to work, but there was some funky shit that went on in those dorm rooms.) No, it's their personality. Their vibes that you get from them, their disgusting way of seeping into your dreams & fucking with your mind. And their lovely way of showing up when they are least expected-or when they are uninvited.

Sounds like the typical bitch that no one wants to deal with right? I suppose it could be. But I think you'd know they were a witch if you met or saw them. Something about their expression, their eyes, their personality...there's a fine detail that is simply missing. It makes them a little less human & a bit more creepy. I've seen a few. I've spoken to two, online & not. And I live across the street from another. There's just a tiny human trait that seem to be off. Three of them have white hair. One of them does walk around in black dresses. Could it just be my mind playing tricks? Believe what you want. I'm not here to judge you, so I would appreciate it, if you didn't judge me. I know what I have seen & encountered, and have been encountering. I'm not crazy. We just share the world with other dimensions. And we have to learn how to live with it.

Common Decency

2011-08-31T11:54:00.000-07:00

Google Image

'Speak when you're spoken to!'-Lewis Carroll

Some people shouldn't be allowed to talk.

There are those that just don't benefit from opening their mouths, whether it's in a school setting, in a personal setting, or in a drama tornado, they simply don't help the situation. When I was younger, Lewis Carroll's quote was often said to me, mostly by my drill-Sargent of a Godmother, but either way, I learned that unless someone was asking a question in the class (where you are to raise your hand), you were to keep your mouth shut, & take notes. I'm not saying it was done strictly, that was just my upbringing.

Even though I am an outspoken person & I'm not afraid to state my thoughts/personal opinions I know when I should be keeping my mouth shut. Where it's not a wise idea to get involved, but more and more people seem to be struggling with this concept, with the understanding that it's OKAY to actually be silent and in some cases it's even beneficial.

Take for example, this morning in class. I'm sitting there patiently listening to the professor and writing down notes like a good little student (I refuse to be behind. >_<) and there is this kid that think he knows everything. After every point the professor made, he would blurt out, "I'd like to add on to that." First off, that is rude, other students raise their hands. Second of all, I'm not paying 30+grand to listen to a student teach the course. *sigh* This is why I shouldn't leave my house. I run into people like this in the early AM hours. By the end of the FIFTY MINUTE period, this kid had said "I'd like to add on to that," about 25 times. That's 25 times he interrupted the teacher. That's 25 times we, as a collective whole, rolled out eyes, and tired in vain to drown him out. I have to spend the rest of my semester with him, and I would really appreciate if he got something spelled out to him, so that we went a whole fifty minutes without interruption. I would honestly be impressed.

Example two: There are many people who hate on me on a daily basis, online, in person, I'm always doing something that just seems to anger people. And here's the thing, I don't try. As much as I might make it out to seem that I'm this horrid, god awful bitch that no one should fuck with, I really don't give much effort at all. I don't plan out what I'm going to say to people, I don't plan out how my conversations go. If something happens, it happens. Anywho, as of late there is someone out there who is letting their green eyed monster show. They are determined to undermine me in some way, they are determined to wreck a relationship & I'm truly not buying their crap. But they don't understand the means of "leaving a subject alone." They are always going on about how society should leave so-and-so alone, and how continuing to comment is really just bringing drama into their life. Could you take a step back & look in the mirror please? Look what you do every damn day. Comment where you are uninvited. It isn't your place to wedge yourself in a personal thought/conversation. It isn't your place to lecture others. What others do with their lives honestly shouldn't effect how you function on a day-to-day basis. There are plenty of things that my roommates do that I would never DREAM of doing, but that doesn't mean I hate on them & treat them like they aren't part of society. I don't let their actions interfere with my life. And it would be really freaking great if others would learn at least some common decency, so that situations like invading others lives, just simply didn't happen.

Honestly, how fucking hard is it to mind your own business? How fucking hard is it to not have to state your opinion every fucking five minutes? Every time someone makes a point, do you have to jump on it? No, no you really don't. You just accept things and move on. Let it go. There are more important things to worry about.

And as my friend likes to say to me at night, "Sometimes it's best to shut up & go the fuck to sleep."

You're Up To No Good

2011-08-29T19:56:00.000-07:00

"Haunting Desire"
Model: Courtney Suder
Makeup/Photography/Edit: Josefina Photography (me)

I feel like I have just hit the realm of high school all over again. We'd be in my 7-10th grade years, it would be dark out, casting eerie shadows against my dorm wall. The clock is ticking, the cell phone (for once) is quiet, and everything would seem "normal". Then would come the dreaded knock. The hissing of evil laughs & a booming voice calling me a "bitch" or a "cunt". A stampede in my room, being pinned against the wall, being called a "no-good-for-nothing-slut," a "liar," and "a pathetic excuse for a human being." I would be left alone to drop on the floor in a puddle of tears. I didn't have the heart to tell them to shut it. I didn't feel I could survive my high school. I wanted to die. I didn't want to be there.

This time, however, I'm not the little girl on the floor who wants her mother. No. This time I am fully prepared for the wicked games the girls & women play. I've been at them for quite some time now & I know the rules, I know the cards & I know how to throw my dice. Picture a dark bar, a gun in every pocket, smoke escaping from ruby lips, manicured fingers tossing in money, because they know they will win. And that's me. Me now a days anyways. Nothing shocks me anymore. Not in events, & not in people. Normally I would just toss the cards aside, and my cigarette there after, and walk away. But today, today I remove the gun from it's case, and I'm going to pull the trigger. You won't get me. You won't get her. You won't get him. You can't touch me, for I am protected. I'm not scared of you.

There's a fine line between trash talking & stabbing someone in the back. There is a fine line between being intrigued & obsessively stalking. There's a fine line between holding something & stealing. When you trash talk, you aren't really damaging the world, you are just stating your opinion about a particular human being. But when you stab someone in the back, especially someone who had done so much for you, that, that takes the game to a whole new level. You are physically hurting them, & emotionally draining them. When you are intrigued, you want a little more, you want to know more about the person, you want to learn from them, you want to be their student. But when you stalk someone, you are breaking the "boundary" rule. You are invading their space, their life, their career. When you are holding something, chances are you'll put it back where you found it. Especially in fine jewelry stores. You look, you admire, you return. Stealing though, stealing doesn't bring you any points. You lose a turn and I get half of your money. More smoke in your face. It also breaks laws. The federal ones, the copyright ones, the "whatever"....you are breaking rules. You lose more points. I get your money now.

I hand her the cards, she sees the winning hand. She knows that you don't stand a chance. Not with us. Red lips, a finger on the trigger, you best be watching yourself. It isn't nice to play games with those who can play them better. It isn't nice to mess with a loved one. It isn't nice to try & steal them away. But don't worry, I'm watching you. You won't get her. She won't lose me. No, we're in this together, as a couple. He's there to watch, to make sure that our love isn't disturbed. Not by you, not by anyone.

So bring it bitch. Throw your dice, flip your card & throw in your cash. You're in for one long game sweetheart. The finger is on the trigger & the smoke is in your face. Look out.

I Do Believe It Is My Choice

2011-08-24T19:51:00.000-07:00

"Angel Wings"
Model: Unbearable Lightness
Photography: A.J. Khan

People really love to test my patience, to be more exact, they like to test my friendships. (Anyone care to guess which friendship I'm going to use as an example?) You see, a lot of people have issues understanding why I can connect with people twice/triple my age-and while frankly it's none of their business- I get it. I'm not the normal 20 year old running off to get drunk as some frat party. No, I'm the one who finds people my age to be immature as fuck. Especially the boys. So what if I don't do what you consider 'normal'? Normal is boring & I don't like boring. My father will be 74 this year, my mother would have been 66. So what if someone is 'older' than me. Age is just a number. It doesn't effect the persons' personality, or who they are, in the slightest.

Ever since I have started talking to Carla (Unbearable Lightness) I have been under fire being a (get this) "nude model's friend." What the fuck? So a nude model is now just a 'nude model', they aren't human? They are simply something that you lust over when they pop up on your computer screen? They have no emotion? No feelings? Nothing of that sort? They are just a plastic figure with no brains & something that you can make googly eyes at? What planet are you living on? No, I'm serious? Who runs that government?

I do believe it is my choice if I decide I want to talk to them, if I want to try and befriend them. Especially in this case. Carla, much like everyone else, is a real person, with real feelings, thoughts, and ideas. And (dare I say it?) she's human. Just because she doesn't wear clothes all the time, or prefers to model naked, doesn't mean that 'I shouldn't talk to her.' In the matter of fact, we text almost every day. Try & stop me. I'd love to see that failed attempt.

If you are going to bash me for being friends with a nude model, I'd like to hold up a mirror, so that you can take a look at your own life. Who are you friends with? Do they party & get trashed every night? Are you a good friend for not intervening with their over-excessive partying? What about those that you are pretty sure broke the law in one form of the other? You still talk to them, hell, you probably still even love them. I'm not telling you who should or shouldn't be friends with, so why the hell are you hating on me?

Is it because you feel that nude modeling does nothing for society? (when in fact it is a form of art, therefore, it does do something) Or are you just jealous that I have stronger friendships with more unique people?

Just because half of my phone book is filled with people who are older than me doesn't mean that their friendships matter any less, than if I was best friends with a 20 year old. Every friendship is different & is built on a different foundation. Every friendship, is unique. And instead of hating on me for who I chose to talk too, I suggest you just turn around & spend some time with your true friends. You never know when life will decide to be cruel & take one away. Don't waste precious time. Value what you have, and leave the rest alone.

"Hold On"
Model: Courtney Lashinsky
Photography: Josefina (Me)

In The Eye of The Beholder

2011-08-23T23:18:00.000-07:00

"Prelude To A Kiss"
Unbearable Lightness & Fitness101
Photograph by: A.J. Kahn

What is nude art? Is it really a form of art? Can we even call it art? I know these are questions that have been asked a hundred times over, but this topic has been on my friends tongues all week. On Saturday I shot my first (official) nude model, and I opened a new group on deviantArt, "Show A Little More". As a big supporter, yet critiquer of my work, my friend Rachel asked me:

"What gives you the right to decide what is good, tasteful nude art?"

And she's right. What the hell does a 20 year old know about artistic nude art? Well for one, I'd like to think I know what is classy & what is not. I'd also like to think that I would know if I came across something that belonged on a porn site, or was just pure trash, that I would just know it. And I do. I have seen my fair share of the stuff that belongs on RedTube & Reality Kings, etc & I know that the photograph (by A.J. Kahn) above, doesn't belong on any site like those amateur straight-up porn sites. The above is art. It holds & displays an emotion, and to me (without reading the artist's comments) tells a story. It's all about the lighting, the models, how well everyone connects with one another, and if the photographer and the model understand one another. That is always the key when creating art. Especially artistic nude. Are the model & photographer on the same page? Or is the photographer simply trying to find that "money shot" & doesn't always go with the model wishes? I think that's another way to decide on whether or not something is artistic or not.

I have seen plenty of shots where models look unbelievable uncomfortable, like they don't want to be there at all. Like the photographer is just one of those male creeps with a camera who calls himself a "photographer" just so that he can do things "legally". It's not fair to the model who does this as a profession. You see none of that in the photo above. Both Unbearable Lightness & Fitness101 are totally comfortable with each other, and are even into each other. You don't really see any tension because the photographer was there holding a camera. No, you see emotion. A story line. You see art.

Funny that I chose this photo, as it's also one of the ones that seems to get the most hate. Why you ask? Because (dare I say it?) she's with a black man. For the love of everything holy, this is the 21st century. Better yet, it's fucking 2011. Racism is just not okay anymore. Not that it was okay long ago either, but now? In this day & age? Especially now. We're all about legalizing shit, about treating each other fairly & making so those that love one another can actually be together no matter their fucking gender. So really? Hate on a photo, not because she's naked & he's shirtless, oh no, because she modeled with an African American. Oh, the fucking horror. Seriously? Grow the fuck up, get your shit straight and get the fuck out.

And you want to know how I can call something art? We can start with the simple fact that I'm not stuck centuries behind where we are today. I'm all caught up in the world that we are living in. The media, the technology, the latest fads, the latest fashion style, etc. I don't hate on something just because "I don't approve". (I could care less who you're kissing/sleeping with/or dating) I actually take time to try to understand someone's reasoning for whatever they are creating & presenting to us, as a reader, a critic, as an individual & as a nation (which is more than I can say for some). For the media, I understand why they advertise the way they do, I mean look at us. We drink the right beer & vodka because we see all those ads everywhere. And even if we don't drink (like me) you still see them. Whether you want to or not. With the latest technology, it's crucial to keep up to date, or you become simply lost. As for the fashion? I study Vogue Magazine, like it's my Bible. I read that thing cover to cover, twice. Even if I'm looking at ads. I study the lighting, the photography, the intensity of someone's looks, the make-up, the hair, the clothes, etc. I try and get a sense for what the ad is going for, for what the photographer was going for.

There's a huge difference between a photographer & a model planning out a shoot that will contain emotion, style, a story line, and be over all expressive, then some asshole pulling out their cellphone and telling a chick to spread her legs. One because it becomes a classy & beautiful piece of art, the other? Well it's just fucking trashy. There is no emotion when you see a "crotch shot", especially a cellphone captured one.

So for me, why do I have the right to decide what is, and isn't artistic nude art? Because in my eye, artistic nude is just another photography genre that displays emotion, tells a story & can truly be a work of art.

Each to their own.

"Matching Sinks"
Photography By: John Tisbury

Knowing

2011-08-18T03:18:00.000-07:00

"Peace Love" by ~ekhoz

"Love ain't like fashion, the look remains the same, I'll wear your heart forever 'cause some things never change."-Celine Dion

It's an avoidable feeling. The knowing. Knowing what is coming down the line in life. Knowing that there is no control over the inevitable. Clockwork like the waves that crash onto the shore. It's not like I, or anyone of us who just knows, got our fortunes told by some godly force & we suddenly believed them. Oh no, it's the feeling in pit of you stomach, in the back of you head, an ever dwelling thought. Because it's true & it's there, it just is.

In this case I'm talking about love, and life. My life to be exact. While my body may only be nearly 20, a good portion of my mind, and a good portion of my heart are so many years older. I comprehend things that many don't, (I can easily say that I've "been there, done that, even a few times over," to more things than people my age should be able to put that phrase too) and it means that I know what I want, and in some senses I know what's going to happen. We are all told when we are kids that we will find "Mr./Mrs. Right" and we grow up believing that we can have a fairy tale with a happy ending & that are story will be somewhere along the bases of Cinderella, Snow White, & The Little Mermaid, and in many cases this is true. But in a very different reality. Sometimes you don't find "Mr. Right" until it's 'already too late'. They say that "everything happens for a reason," but at this moment in time I can't figure out this reasoning. Why now? Why not ever? The man that I know and love and would drop everything and do everything for is already committed to someone else. Funny thing is, he's never truly felt the commitment. It's sounds so bloody awful when I write it so bluntly, but it's really not. He loves the one he's committed too, but there's a piece missing. Like trying to fit a jigsaw piece together that simply doesn't fit. Until I came along. Now things are making sense to the both of us. We talk as though we've been married for years. I'm convinced that in a different life time we have already previously been married. I am myself, and he is his. We understand each other & know when to say all the right words, and the times when one needs to send a message because we just know the other is having a god-awful, utterly rotten day. If we lived closer, I'm sure we'd even be going through the motions of marriage...but with meaning.

Now you have to understand that normally when I write, communicate, text or even talk I don't sound like I'm 20. When you meet me, I don't act, talk, look, walk or eat like I'm 20. Very rarely will you catch me being 20, will you catch me being a kid. This particular journal post is a window into my 20 year old self. And I'm painting you this picture because I want you to try and understand my mind. This person inside of me is split in two, and very very drastically so. We've got the one that so much older, the side that tells the younger side to "shut up and get over it", the one that will sit down with myself and tell me what I'm doing wrong & how to fix it. Then there's the younger side. The one that never had a childhood, the one that still wants to be young, and do the things the "normal" teenagers are suppose to do. The person writing now, a wisp of the two, it's what ties the two together and keeps me from going literally insane. The narrator if you will. The narrator is also the knowing.

A friend of this blog posted an entry last night ("Insatiable Appetites") which eventually lead to the comment on dA:

"Very interesting analogy, to nibble from the table of love. I have always come to love's banquet famished, starving, able to eat a horse. On those rare occasions where love has found me --three to be exact--I have gorged myself, ate everything in sight, so to speak. It's not that I wanted to; I had no choice. For me it was a sweet heroin of the soul. And as good as the high was the withdrawl, the breakup, the going of seperate ways, was the worst kind of hell. To be satisfied with a taste from love's banquet table? That is an impossibility, for me at least, and I expect for many other people as well."

That question eventually sparked my own response:

"I think that until you find the right person you may never be satisfied with what the banquet table has to offer, and if you still struggle, maybe the one you love is also going through the same thing, subconsciously reaching for what is provided by the buffet...only looking for that aspect within each other & hoping it to work out."

This is where we come back to me and my life. I've found the right person, that right person has now met me, and neither of us are satisfied with what the banquet of love has to offer. We both are scanning the buffet as we can't be together. And in a sense it's a matter of choice. I am too young (physically), and we are both very set in our ways, our life, our friends, our connections, we'd lose so many if we both were to just uproot & be. So we make do with the connection that we do have with one another, but it isn't enough. And we both know it. So back to this narrative voice that is telling you this: I will never get married for love, as I will still be somewhere (eternally) among that buffet. I might get married for success, for money, to survive, but that person & I will both know that we are just like that jig-saw piece that won't fit. In the mean time I search for a filler, someone to love, nurture, cuddle, hold me, to take away that pain from the piece that I know I will never have. For that person who becomes that filler, for a night, a month, a decade, those memories will be treasured in more ways than you could possibly begin to understand. My story won't be the fairy tale that everything thinks it will be, and this is just something I know. And have known ever since I was small. I was destined for big things, to be famous, to be unique, to be outspoken, to leave an impact on the world, to be different, but never to be complete. Sometimes, it's the price you have to pay. And that is just something else I know.

Free Spirits

2011-08-13T11:01:00.000-07:00

"Free Spirits"
Models: Shelby Ursu, Emotive Portrait Photographer
&
Sara Jennifer Panza, Acclaimed Fashion Photographer
Josefina Photography © 2011.

"sometimes, it's best to be a free spirit....without a care in the world...."

I think we all lose the sense of being a "free spirit" at some point in our lives. The goal of finding it again, usually gets shoved down into the pockets of life, and just simply forgotten about. But don't you remember those days when you were a kid? When you let your parents do all the worrying, and all you did was run around and have fun? We were free then. Our problems were relatively trivial, for fighting over what colored crayon you'd use was much less of a problem then wondering how the hell you're suppose to live in the economic downturn, and if it's even possible for you to get a job when you graduate college. You see, those were the days. When you could simply "be."

Those adults who have found that "free spirit" again, you are lucky. And I both respect & envy you.

For those us who haven't, we are all looking at the gloomy road ahead. The road that is life. I was raised in a negative environment. Everything that I did, was monitored, questioned, or limited. It was though I have spent the better part of my life tiptoeing on egg shells. And I'm not saying that's completely horrid, but it means that my little "free spirit" has dwindled...and isn't really even there. There's a sense of loss, an emptiness, if you will, the sense of no longer being able to just be.

I lost my mother when I was very young, and I had to grow up quickly. The world "childhood", is foreign to me. I have spent the last 10.5 years around adults, in the adult world, worrying about adult things. Will I have enough money? Will I be able to find work in & after college? Will I be able to raise a family of my own? These thoughts, aren't what the normal almost-20-year-olds are thinking on a day-to-day basis. No. Most worry about how their hair looks, and when they are going to see their boyfriends next, and the worry about things in school at that current time. Or the drama about the teacher a couple classes down from you who "supposedly" is up to no good with a student. TRIVIAL things, once more. In a sense, they still have at least half of whatever makes us be.

The only time that I feel that little spirit, that moment of being free, is when I'm on a shoot. My creative energy just flows, and I'm creating, off in my own world with a few models, maybe even a team of people, and I produce. There's a product from my creation; something that I can be satisfied with, and dare I say it, happy with. Sadly, the people I live around don't understand the importance of this need to create. This need to be. Instead they try to shut it down, take it away...like Tinkerbell getting put into that glass. Caged. I'm thrown under the pressure to be perfect. The perfect daughter. The perfect A+ student. The perfect "roll model". The perfect human. Of course, there is no such thing as perfect, everyone has their faults. That also seems to be something that people around me don't realize. I'm expected to be the perfect daughter. The one that doesn't argue, complain, voice her opinion. No, I'm suppose to be the one that sits there and speaks when she is spoken too. Do I look like that girl to you? And the perfect A+ student? I do care about my grades, and I do work extremely hard to maintain them. But if I can get a B on something, it's still a good grade. It doesn't mean that I have failed. As for the perfect roll model, you can say that I'm better than most children. I'm not pregnant. I didn't have a child at 16. I don't drink. I don't do drugs. I won't even touch the last two, and I barely ever smoke. As for being the perfect human? I'm an artist. In no way am I perfect. I feed off of creative energy, I have my own issues to deal with, and I have my own opinion and my own voice. I shouldn't be Tinkerbell, caught under the glass.

For a few weeks this summer, I felt truly free. I was creating every day. Meeting new people, working with new idea, and just being able to be. I owe a lot of that to miss Sara there in the photo. She's a free spirit, if I've ever met one. Able to say and do just how she thinks. She sees and image in her head, and it's created. And she pushes people. Not in a bad sense, but to help them find their potential. Helpful comments, critiques, etc. Just watching her, lets you learn so much. And in the three days that I actually got to see her, the 4 hours shoot that we endured in nearly 100 degree weather, was almost as though I entered a whole new dimension. She brought life and energy to Shelby, to me, to her model, and her entire creative team. And she brought back a spark that had dwindled. The one that just lets me be.

"The truth is, I love being alive. And I love feeling free. So if I can't have those things, then I feel like a caged animal & I'd rather not be in a cage. I'd rather be dead."-Angelina Jolie

The following photos are under the copyright of Sara Jennifer Panza.

Pixelated Jealousy & Necessary Competition

2011-08-11T21:15:00.000-07:00

"Neverland"
Model: Sitara Bird | Makeup: Sara Jennifer Panza | Lighting: Aren Willingham
Assistants: Shelby Ursu & Ricky Blanding | Edit: Felicia Simion
Josefina Photography © 2011.

"Psychology, doctor, & teaching majors, for example, all have it easy. But artists? No. We have it way worse. There is competition with every single person."-Sara Jennifer Panza, Acclaimed Fashion Photographer.

While that comment may be untrue in a few factors, the over all reality is right up in your face. As an artist, we don't have it easy. Not in the slightest, little bit. There is a competition. It's competition with the neighbor down the street, with the models that you photograph, with the models best friends who are top-notch photographers, the girl that's sitting two seats in front of you, and the boy that's sitting a seat over from you. Even the billboards that you pass on the highway can make some people envious. Especially those that are aimed at fashion. Every where we, as artists look, there's competition staring us right in the face.

Now, I'm not saying that competition is a bad thing. Oh no, in the matter of fact, life wouldn't be life without some friendly competition every now and again. And that can range from the little kindergarten play of "Well, I got here first, and you didn't! Nah nah nah nah," to the every day sports that we either watch in person, or see on TV. That's living. By nature, we are all competitive...all of us. Denying it would be like denying that you are a woman or a man. The evidence is just overwhelmingly there.

However, there comes a point when that competition can bring out that ugly green eyed monster. You know the one. The one that sometimes makes you say something you later wish you hadn't, simply because the other person's work is "better". In some (serious) cases, jealously can drive a person nuts. They literally become that ugly green eyed monster, and suddenly you want nothing more but to get away from them.

They scare you.

That jealously has become that only thing they are focused on, and now they are just out to get you. Yes, that is when the green monster is most unwelcome. But often times, minor jealously, just like competition, is a good thing. It kicks you in the ass to get up and get better. To work harder. And as an artist, that healthy little bit is crucial. It's what keeps us going, keeps us working harder, and to get to that "better" status.

Now the reason why I bring all of this up, is because the picture above. It's been called, "One of your best pictures to date!" , it's been commented on with: "It took me a few times to realize that she was even naked!", "How the hell did you create that?" and "Simply magic." But with all of that, it brought out some serious jealously with a few fellow photographers that I've worked with/live around. Not that I minded, I'm rather proud of this piece, I won't lie. But I found it funny that it created such pixelated jealously as well. People messaging me saying that it was "too good," that it had "too much editing" so it was losing the real magic, that it was "too magical". I mean what the fuck?! No, literally. What. The. Fuck? And I'm asking you this with the understanding that everyone's view points are different. But I am curious, how is something "too magical"? How is it "too good"? And who are you to judge? I am an artist.

More specifically, a photographer.

I photographer people. I photographer a moment, an emotion, a story, if you will. I don't photograph to please the world for fucks sake. No, I do this, because it's an intense passion. It's something that I happen to love to do. I'm just sharing art the way I SEE it. Since when has that become a crime?

"Photography seems to be a fad & a competition to everybody these days. I only know about two other people, besides myself, who do it because it's their passion. Then you have the people who think your editing is bad, & then there are the people who think not editing, is bad. It's your art, it's your style. Make it the way you want it. You are trying to express yourself, not other people."-Shelby Ursu, Alternative, Emotion/Expressive, Photographer.

Yes, thank you Shelby. It's my art. It's MY style. And I'm expressing myself. And like I said, I don't take photographs to please the world. No, in the matter of fact, I take photos so that I can sleep at night. If I'm not creative, I'm not living. If I'm not living, I'm just there. I wasn't born to just be there. I'm not wallpaper. I need to be myself. If you like my style, I thank you. I truly do. If I made a single person smile, then my goal is accomplished. I shared a smile with someone somewhere in the world. If you like my self-expression, then chances are you'll like me as a person too. And I appreciate it. I appreciate the attention, the comments, and the love that you give my work. I do. But some of you need to realize that, while yes, photography is a business, and many people (like myself) make a living at it, that we aren't going to change our styles just to please your specific taste.

You have a right to hate, and you have a right to be jealous. But I'm an artist. I do things for me as a passion, and for those that truly enjoy my work. Just because I post a single photo doesn't mean you can go and get your panties in a knot. It would be so much better, if you could appreciate the art for what it is. And since we're in the digital world, if you don't like it, you can hit that nice "X" button at the top, right hand side of your screen. I would never know. You wouldn't have to tell me. I, just like everyone else, am in this competition for as long as I'm going to call myself a photographer. So, please, keep those green eyed monsters on a leash, keep the hate on the down low, and keep on creating!

"Any sort of art, if it's a drawing, painting, music, anything, it's art. No matter what it looks like, someone created it, & loves what they have made. That is art. If a small child draws a giant ball of scribbles, and says it's a cat, then it's a cat to that kid. Even that is art, because of what that child has created. I may not be the best graphic designer, photographers, drawer, or painter, but I love what I do, and I'm proud of what I create."- Alison Reken, Photographer's Friend.

This, That, The Other & A Tribute

2011-08-10T15:42:00.000-07:00

We'll start with the 'this'. The this is the fact that I haven't been to bed in 36 hours, that I'm still a photo behind schedule, and this whole day hasn't been going well. It's just one thing after the other, and I'm just so tired I am simply out of patience. Go fucking figure.

The "Other" would be the fact that I think I might have a "crush" on someone that I shouldn't. Because it makes my 'professional' life, more complex than it needs to be. I'm not in the mood, nor do I have the energy to put up with that type of relationship. Yea, no. Once again, no patience there either. I honestly wish I could tell my heart to quit making the fucking decisions. My brain is the one in charge around here, and therefore, the rest of me just needs to shut up, and stop arguing with me. That would be ideal. Because honestly, I don't think I have the strength of a "one-sided" whatever-the-fuck-this is suppose to be.

Okay, I'm done bitching for now. Today, I caught up on my "365" project, (about bloody time too) and I came up with a photo, that I ended up turning into a tribute.

"Whisper" came to me, after much thought of what to take a photo of next. We all use our mouths for everything, the "alluring" lips, that some can find attractive, for talking, for singing, for vocalizing our opinion, and for whispering. Whispering those secrets that we long to hear, or that we are burning to tell. And I think the "ghost" aspect of this black & white version of the photo, really tries to bring that out. You don't know what I'm saying, and you don't know what I'm thinking, because you can't see the rest of my face. You don't see the emotion in my eyes, or anything of that sort. There's a mystery there, and the best part? I won't tell you what I'm saying. Feel free to guess though. Amuse me. :) (and yes, my lip is actually pierced. Just like that.)

The idea for "Whisper" then grew into something that I've been meaning to do since the day the news came. A young celebrity passed away. The world knows her as Amy Winehouse. I was rather taken back by the news. Not, because I knew her or anything, no, just by the fact that someone 7 years older than me died such a sad, tragic death. And I'm certainly not saying that I'm going to pass away like she did. I don't do drugs, and I've never touched alcohol, (and no, I don't plan too), but still. It's a nice big slap in the face to remind me that no one should EVER take life for granted. Because you never know when it will be taken away from you.

So, in memory of a beautiful, and super talented star....

Why Can't Men Kiss Like Women?

2011-08-10T02:41:00.000-07:00

Models: Tia and Unbearable Lightness
Photographer: Joseph Crachiola

I'll say, it's been a while since I've written anything. And I do apologize for that, I just had a period of time, where writing wasn't my thing. Actually, school wasn't my thing. It got to the point where getting out of bed was a problem within itself. Never a good thing. But we shall say that writing is my thing again, and I do hope that it stays that way. Moving on.

So a dear friend, wrote a journal entry last night that got me to thinking. You know her as Unbearable-Lightness. Anyways, her post was titled "Never Kiss & Tell." And it brought up the question, "Why can't men kiss like women?" well, she isn't the only one who wants to know, I'd love to know that answer too. Why is it that women can connect with women better than we can with men? And I don't mean friend wise either. I have many male friends, and I connect to them all just fine, but I mean, sexually. How is it that women can connect with other women and understand one another, and what we want so much better?

I had a theory, and that would be that I think women are just in general softer, and gentler than most men will be. We 'dance' more, in a more fluid motion, as though we were one, so to say. And because of that type of a physical connection, it seems to be that we can channel each others emotions better, and some how that can be felt through that kiss.

I'm not denying that there are some men who are good kissers, I've met a few, but sometimes, their "good kissing" isn't enough. It doesn't fulfill every aspect that some women are looking for. Women generally understand the other's body better, and it creates a better chemistry, or at least a deeper chemistry than what it created with a male. And yes, there will be those that argue with me, mostly men, and for those that do, I'd really like to know what your perspective is on all of this. Have you ever had a woman cheat on you with another woman? And did you ever understand the meaning behind that action?

We women can't make up our minds sometimes. Hehe. I know that I enjoy kissing a woman, just as much as kissing a guy, and I wouldn't complain, nor hesitate, if I ended up on a shoot with Unbearable-Lightness, like the photo that started off this blog. ;)

But at this moment, I'm still left with the question, "Why can't men kiss like women?"

A Year's Celebration

2011-02-16T12:28:00.000-08:00

Today we celebrate my first year on DeviantArt. A community that was built for artists, like myself, serving the world over. During the course of a single year, I have created more than 300 photos, have gained over 400 watchers, and have left some 33,818 comments for various other deviants-on profiles, and on pictures. I have also received over 48,000 page views. If you ask me, that is a SHIT ton of page views for a single year! That's more than some who have been on the site for 2-4 years! My love for art, my love love music, and my love for finding inspiration has brought me the attention, and my participation within the community. During this year, I have also put together well over 200 features, featuring anywhere from 30-50 photos a feature. And shining spotlights on "unknown" artists across the community. You may ask why I do this, and my answer is simple. I love art. I love the inspiration that I find within certain people, and most of all, I love the people that I meet. The artist behind the camera, the writer, and the inspiration behind the poet, or song writer. And while there have been times where I've questioned my own art, or questioned my existence on this site, I have ultimately chosen to stay, making my home as AngeliqueRaindrops-The Queen of Features.

"Green"-Self Portrait
By: Phillip John Hopkins (tart-naived)

Inspiration comes in all forms, and for me, it's not just the art, but the artists that create the art. Phillip John Hopkins, fondly known as Spike, has been one of my biggest supporters throughout the entire year on dA. Although, I have to say, it feels like a whole lot longer than a year. Not only has he supported my artwork, but he's given insight to the things that I have struggled with out and off this site. Truthfully, he is one of the reasons that I stuck around dA, one of the reasons I continued to create the art that I do. He has has brought out some of the best in me, as well as much more...something of which I am eternally grateful for. Of course the support is returned, and I'm sure if you go hunting through his gallery, you will see me around in there, having dropped comments on nearly ever single photo that he's taken. I have six of his prints on my wall of my dorm, as decoration, and as a inspiration,reminding me that you really can find beauty everywhere. You just have to be paying attention. His focus mainly resides with nature, and skyscape photography, (As I call him "The King of the Sky") but if you dig around, you'll find some graphic design clips, some architectural photographs, and spontaneous portraits, of himself, his wife and his daughter. He never fails at making me laugh, and we have had quite the number of intellectual conversations (I swear, I'm not 50 years old. ;) hehe), as well as those that were just for the amusement, or to share a smile, because we could. I'm ever so grateful for the support given, on and off the website.

"Friendships are complicated, a necessary support system. I believe that distance should be no object...that is what is so amazing about sites like dA...we can have friends the world over...we just have to disregard the 'real world' fallacy that those friendships are not real."-Phillip John Hopkins

"I Can Has Kitten?"
Photo of Jamie Perry & Taylor
(th3krimzon1)

Inspiration has found it's way into the works of Jamie Perry, also known more as th3krimzon1 across dA. As a literature writer, he writes from the heart, and keeps it real. From romance, his daughter, and real life situations, he shares his life with the world. Journals, and literature pieces alike. Which is a good thing, because I would have never met him otherwise. He isn't like a lot of the people that you meet on the site, why? Because there will never be another Jamie Perry. End of story. He inspires so many with what he writes. As I have called him before, he "The King of Words", words are him, and he is words. He lives to teach, to change lives and to inspire. Some of us only dream of doing such, on the level that he does. But he insists that he's ordinary. He just gets up every morning, writes when he wants, and changes lives. Simple as that. You may think I'm crazy, but if you check out his pieces, especially his Everblaze series, and the ones that really describe his life, you will walk away speechless. That's a guarantee. He has helped changed me, taught me what its like to "believe" again, and helped me overcome some pretty major things. Not an easy accomplishment for anyone, but has certainly found a place in my heart. You can find many of my favorites from his work in my gallery here. As much as he denies it, he is a teacher, and strong influential writer and thinker, an inspiration, but more importantly a loving father and an amazing friend. If you have him in your life, consider yourself lucky. There aren't many like him at all. He aims to teach, and he has taught, he wanted someone to listen and he has watchers, and reader the world over. He is one of the few who not only believes in himself, but believes in others. True inspiration doesn't come out of everyone, but it comes out in a new light for those that believe, and as he has said before, "Welcome to the Revolution."

"I believe in joy, and yet in pain, they are the things that shape us, make us who we will remain."-Jamie Perry.

"Cadence & I"
Joe McGuire & Daughter Cadence
Photo By: KendraMikal
(tinfoilmusic2000)

Inspiration, as well as a fast sped friendship came out of my introduction to Joe McGuire, and we can both thank Sophia (storyofmyeyes) for that introduction. As a portrait artist, he certainly caught my attention-as his works vary from the normal portrait work that we see splashed across the site. There's more of a mood to them, and accomplished feel. So while, they look professional, they also have that type of look that just makes you want to view the picture full size and take a good long look at whichever photo it is. His models, especially Sami, (samishaketramp) certainly help grasp that concept within the photos. As a friend, he has helped keep me sane over the past few weeks, both with his art, and with his sense of humor off site. He quickly became one of the people I could call my "rock," talking on a daily basis with dA, Facebook and other such social networkingness. He certainly has kept up with my college life, and has worked to keep me level headed so that I don't just up and drop out of college and then flee the country...would be a little counter-productive in terms of getting an education that will eventually lead me to money and support of myself. XD But I appreciate his ability to make me smile, his phone conversations with me, and his love for art, of which he shares in an abundance of links. :)

Joe: "I just don't love Americans." Me: "Hey now! Why the hell are you on the phone with me then?"-Phone conversations.

"Free Spirit"
-Sophia Filipelli (Storyofmyeyes)

This right here, this is Sophia. Another one of my first watchers, and very much a reason for some of my pieces such as, Smokey Mountain Memories. Her art, and her personality are about as real as it could possibly get. She's a very free spirit, something of which, I was certainly lacking in my life before I came across her works. Within a few conversations....mostly about tattoo ideas....I realized that I need more people in my life like her. She isn't shy about anything, as you will see throughout her gallery, and she certainly isn't afraid to speak her mind when it comes time to. Her story behind becoming "Storyofmyeyes" is quite the story itself: "*heARTIST414 and I were driving around our favorite downtown Milwaukee locations. I spotted a young woman with short curly blonde hair in the brightest purple coat I'd ever seen. Her hair was of the style of Marilyn Monroe, and I will never forget the way her presence impacted me that day. She was waiting at the bus stop. I expressed that I wanted a photo of her to Mikey as we nearly passed her. He was driving and considering he shares the same passion for photography as I do, there was no hesitation in his decision to turn around and help me out. As we noticed the bus was nearly at the next stop where this lovely girl awaired it's arrival, we managed to park. I ran from the car and barely made it close enough for the woman to hear a word I spoke to her. I said, "May I please take your picture? You're beautiful!" With a snarl and slight snicker, she rudly replied, "I have to go to work." Then got on the bus and disappeared from my life forever. It is thanks to this girl that no matter the situation, I will treat my camera as if it's my own eyes. I will get my photo. I will capture the beauty I see in people, despite the lack of beauty some may allow to shine by themselves. That is why this is THE STORY OF MY EYES, exactly the way God puts the world in front of me."
I think we all need to take something away from that story, and treat not only our cameras, but our pencils, and keyboards much like our eyes. We create are the way we see it, and we write the emotions we feel, and then spread it with the world. If everyone stopped for a brief moment out of their day to observe the beauty of this world, I do believe this world would be a much better place. I think some of her more inspiring pieces are shots of herself, caught within her own free spirit. "Photo By Heart", "A Flower With No Sleep" and "Not My Place" are a few good ones. It's hard to describe a free spirit, it's better just to show you. So take a look at her gallery, and find out who she is, and the artist, that she's become.

"I live a loved life. You're not going to expect, or understand me. So shameless, scattered, and impatient; I have the life I want. I refuse to live my life jaded, and I will NEVER be ashamed. We all just need to shut the fuck up and be happy, really."-Sophia Filipelli

"Dream IV"
Self Portrait
Clara McGuire (asbeautydies)

This, this is Clara. One of the first artists that I ever came across on DeviantArt. Who's gallery simply blew me away. Her stories, behind her art, and the her life of which she shared there, but shocked me, and made me believe that inspiration can be found in anyone really. But you won't find it unless they show it. That's exactly what happened here with Clara. Suffering from an illness that exhausts her and that doctors don't understand is hard enough, but getting up out of bed-when she could be staying in it-and expressing herself through her photos that should put a smile on anyones face. No one asked her to get up and create. She simply does, and her works certainly get the credit that they deserve. Her DD, "I'm An Extraordinary Machine" (placed at 17,000 views and counting) tells a story within itself. You don't even need to look at the artist's description at first glance. When they say "A picture says 1000 words", they aren't kidding you. This image, and other like it "Clean Up Your Mess", "The Healing Process," and "How To Keep From Falling Apart", will stun you, simply because the pictures really do say it all. Her talent should be an inspiration to almost anyone, and the fact that I have a chance to work with her this summer, nearly stunned me into silence. She's not only a beauty queen, a talented artist, and inspiration but a very dear friend.

"I'm the last of my kind...that's all that should matter to you."-Clara McGuire

"So Cold"
Traditional Art By: Eva (celexana)

A talented traditional artist? I think so. A music lover? Oh yes. A wonderful supporting friend? A bit beyond that. This, over here, is Eva. I met her on almost accident while wandering through Spike's (tart-naived)'s gallery. And we hit it off right away. Before I knew it, I had another cheerleader. She had to laugh at me, for when she met me, I was waist deep in history papers, and I was bitching about it. I didn't want to do a damn thing on those papers, in the matter of fact, I hadn't even started when she left something on my journal, saying that she was my new cheerleader, and that I was going to get my work done. Me? Work? Done? Accomplished? What? What is this? I had to laugh, because I am the ALL time procrastinator, and there was no way I was going to pound out a five page paper on a history book that I had never read...but I did. Why? Because Eva was cheering me on. I even sent her the final copy of the damned things, where she just had to laugh and told me that I had done well. It's funny how just reading someone's journal can lead to an unexpected friendship. And I'm always delighted to see her works. I cannot draw to save my life. Design tattoos, yes, I can do that. But draw people and portraits, and eyes (like, ohmygod), I fail, and I fail epically. She, however, is the master of them, and I can only say that her incredible talent has kept me smiling, drawings, ballpoint pen work, or painting...they just keep coming. As does her love for music, which has certainly helped the process along. I'm sure that if you wandered through my gallery enough, much like Spike, she's dropped a comment on nearly every photo since her watching of me in the late summer. She's a pleasure to talk too, and I'm very happy to have her, and her support in my life.

"We need to treat one another with kindness and love, no matter how we look and be. It's important that we be ourselves and be true to who we are and can become. No one deserves to be bullied. Love is what the world needs now."-Eva

"Self Portrait"
Hannah Conway (hanibanani)

This young music lover is a reason I began my own 365 project. I came across her work through Spike's page, about a third of the way through her own 365 project. Since then I have watched her talent grow through the course of every photo. Some say it's not possible to improve with every picture you take, but I beg to differ. She is living proof that it's possible. It is, because it happened. I watched it happen. Spike watched it happen, her friends Julia (codyrox911), Elizabeth (ennabird), and Grace (URBAN-grace) all watched it happen. She dubbed me the "Queen of Features" because at least 60 of the some 200 features that I have produced this year contains at least one of her pieces, and that's not counting the various journal entries that I have done. She's never failed to make me smile, whether it was sharing the stories that we made up from people watching, or trading holiday drink recipes...or sending each other names of artists to listen too, there was always some reason to smile. Her final piece of her 365, "The End of My Beginning on This Windy Road (365)" captures a little bit as to what it's like to have finished one thing, but move onto the next step in life. I know, that much like Spike (her main constant supporter) I will be watching, seeing where her next steps with her photography, and life in general takes her.

"It's come to the point in my 365, where I realize that not every picture I take has to be posed and well put together...I would much rather it be meaningful. In the end, I just want the 365 to document my year as a whole, and even if I lose followers for posting "smiling" pictures instead of something like a planned out shoot, then so be it. In the end, I think photos like these will make me smile the most."-Hannah Conway

"Raccoon Eyes"
Self-Portrait
Jessica Thorson (photogenicXpression)

I first came across Jessica while she was still seraphictragedy. At the time, I only really admired the art that she produced, but wasn't really paying attention to the artist behind the camera. I mean, we had talked some, but we weren't paying attention to the "lets-get-to-know-one-another" bit. When she moved accounts to photogenicXpression and re-watched me, and I thought that perhaps she was watching me for more than my art. That thought got us to talking, and talking got us to exchange phone numbers and facebooks, and twitters...and that just lead to more social networking and talking, and exchanging life stories, etc. And we both came to realize that there is a lot more to the artist than just a picture of them. While pictures do indeed tell 1000s of words, not all of them really tell you who the artist is, or how they come to do what they do on an day-to-day basis. At first glance, I suppose none of you would think that either of us have been bullied, or name called. I suppose some of you would think that "we're to pretty for such things". Well, maybe to you. But to those that did bully, obviously needed their own self-esteem booster and chose to put us down. That has created some of her latest pieces, like the picture of her above, but it's also inspired several others, "Fuckin' Perfect," "Black and Blue V2," "mindFUCK," and "The Power Of Words." Reminding us all that words, can be used against us in the wickedest of forms, should they come out of the wrong mouths. But sometimes that makes a person strong, and in this case, it has helped form such works and turned into a form of inspiration. If you can recover from years of bullying and be a strong, confident individual that should say a lot. Her own pieces inspired a new article that I ran, "Lay All Your Love On Me" and my Danbo Picture "Just The Way You Are", reminding people that they are beautiful, and just because someone tells you that you're not, doesn't mean you have to believe them. Believe in yourself, and turn that negative energy into something that we can all take away from-Art. Jessica, is becoming a close friend, and I will continue to watch her endless ideas of art.

"Anyone can be photographer, but it takes a true artist to take something ordinary and turn it into something spectacular"-Jessica Thorson

"ID April"
Model: Sally (black-vodka)
Photographer: Tony

Sally has also been an amazing support to me as well. Even though she's very busy, she's always stopped by for a quick check-in, a smile, or to share the love. Her photography ranges from nature straight up to portraits, and of all various sorts. There's never really been a dull moment watching her work, or talking to her, as we've both had interesting things to say. She's also been supportive of the few YouTube videos I have up, encouraging my singing, and well as my love for art. Even though she isn't around as often as we both would like, her surprise "visits" are always appreciated. As a photographer, she strives to leave an impact with her art on all her watchers, and those that randomly stop by for a view. She has some amazing pieces in her gallery, but I think one of the things that really caught my attention was her unique way of capturing models. She can capture the tinkle in an eye, or a simple smile or laugh in such a way that it separates her from other portrait artists. Her support, and love, which has been nothing less than extraordinary, has truly made me smile. And I'm always appreciative of what she has to say.

"Forget you? Now that's impossible."-Sally

"Prelude To A Kiss"
Model: Carla Johnson (unbearable-lightness)
(also on blogger)
Photographer: A.J. Kahn

So maybe some of you don't find inspiration within a models' work, and some of you may not find inspiration in a model who works as a nude model, a doctor, and as an every day blogger....in the matter of fact, I'm pretty sure that a very large, epic proportion of the world doesn't. Well too bad I'm not the rest of the world then, now am I? In case you haven't figured out, I could give less of a fuck. And the reason why I find inspiration with in Dr. Carla Johnson is actually a good many. One, she's educated. Not many nude models make it as far as college, let along graduate school. Two, not many models bother to speak up about things that they dislike or don't approve of. Three, not many models are doctors. Just saying. Those facts kind of contribute to the reason she's an inspiration. Oh, did I mention that she's nice? Um, yea that helps. Haha. I accidentally discovered Carla when she was about ready to leave DeviantArt for the second time. People...no wait, TROLLS, were giving her trouble, as only trolls like to do. At that time, I just found her piece above, something of which spoke to me in more than just one voice. And I didn't deem it fair for her to have to leave, just because some people were causing problems. Meeting her lead me to her blog as well, where I discovered the voice of a well educated model (I don't normally meet a lot of those...just putting that out there) so I began talking to her more, and that lead into my watching of her art, and her blog, and contributing my opinion where I felt necessary. And in several cases, she made some valid arguments. Like when it comes to trolls, how sad it is to know that someone is sitting behind pixels, just to hate on those that have done nothing too them. Have to say, that's pretty bloody lame if you ask me. Her work spoke to me in the sense of some were her own ideas, while others the photographer's that she was bringing to life, and in a manner that some models just aren't able to capture. I have had many conversations with her, all of which I can say, I am grateful for. I'm excited, and honored to be working with her this summer as well.

"Not long ago I did research on ageism, thinking it was just prejudice against the elderly. I found it also affect young people, even into their 20s being dismissed and not viewed as 'credible' because of their age. I've always said children are "little people". But many don't see it that way" -Dr. Carla Johnson (on topic of why people disapprove of my grown-up-ness at the age of nineteen)

"No Name"
By: Claire Boyle (messisgirl)

So call me crazy for finding inspiration in those that are younger than me, but I honestly don't care. You see, Claire here has reminded me that people have the power to be nice for the sake of being nice. Tis a shocking factor, but one that is quite true. She's been on of the most supportive of my watchers, commenting on everything, and leaving me messages just to make me smile. No other reason at all. Just for the hell of it. Both myself, and one of my best friend Quinn (hitomi8591) have established that she is one that we are to keep. We are to shrink her and put her in our pockets to keep forever and ever. Even Joe, had to agree on that one, asking if he could borrow her every once in a while. You see, we all need smiles, and hearing such powerful feedback on our works, only causes us to want to create more, and to get better. She herself, also has talent. She may not see it, but we do. The potential to grow, and to get better, and the fact that comes with such an amazing personality....oh yes the inspiration shall grow. As she has said to me before "You make me melt too much, however, it's the best feeling in the world", I have to say, that she does the same thing to us, and I know, I am, for one, quite happy to keep her around...pocket sized or not.

"In you and your photography, I've found something to strive toward (to be as good as you), someone I can talk to, relate to (our family's respective illness) and someone who inspires me."-Claire Boyle (on the subject of my photography-*dies*)

"Ice Queen of Evil"
Model: Andrea Becker
(aoarashi)
Photography: Myself

Of course we save some of the best for last. One of my best friends, Andrea, (don't ever call her Andi, she will kill you) has been a big support in life in general. I met this chick nearly seven years ago at Camp Horizons. That's seven years of friendship, stories, pictures, joined poem writings, music sharing, guitar-hero playing, origami creating, laughs, walks, sleepovers, cooking, baking, cake-sharing/decorating, easter, Christmas', movies, more laughter, summer walks, and memories. We got even closer two summers ago, when we worked at Camp Horizons as counselors in training. They say that drama isn't suppose to enter the work field. Whoever said that should be shot in the head. That was a summer to remember, faces we will never forget, and secret names for another so that we could talk about their antics and survive. That was the summer were under the stars of the open field in the mountains of Harrisonburg, Virgina did we pick up song writing, and where I became even more attached to my guitar than I already was. That was the summer were we wrote a BINDER full of poems, emotions, thoughts, and general silliness. This was the first summer that we passed the best friend stage, and moved on to sisters. I would honestly be dead of this girl wasn't there to kidnap me from my house, or let me eat her food. XD I would be dead without her love of music, and her thoughts of every day life. She is one of the few who's been able to see more of me than anyone, and therefore, not only an inspiration, not only a sister, but a best friend, and one of the few who will never walk out of my life. Talented literature writer, lyric writer, and aspiring photographer, she will forever remain a close friend.

"Someone ought to just kidnap you, out of your house forever...oh hey wait, that's why I exist...now move in dammit!"-Andrea Becker

"Small Thoughts"
Self Portrait
Quinn Clark (hitomi8591)

Oh my word, where do I even begin with this one...no seriously, is there a start? I suppose we can go back to the year were we lived with one another...at boarding school. An all girls boarding school, I might add. She made my 5th roommate at the time (having been to boarding school for 3 years prior) and I will tell you that at the beginning I was very nervous. While we had corresponded via email and other such lovely social networkings, we were going to live together. Friends living with friends....probably not the hottest idea in the planet. And I will tell our year was quite the adventure. There were fights...and there were plenty of them, but there were also the good times...were we stayed up late, and she got "high" off of oreo cookies and water (yes, that happened), where we stayed up so late, that I said I was looking for my "sneak-shoe" when I meant sneaker. Where we established that posters glow in the dark, we were rich bitches who were too pretty for homework, and were we had competitions about calling each other horrid names...like slut muffin. Ah yes, those times when we fell off the bed laughing at 4am. Smooth moves. But despite all the silliness, we became the definition of bestbian. Go look that up on UrbanDictionary if you want to know what that is. XD We also became supporters for each others work. She was always out on walks with me when I wanted to take pictures, and I was with her in the art building when she was finishing up some costume design, or something for graphic design, or we were helping one another review papers, so that we wouldn't fail our English classes. Tis funny what one can do in the time frame of a year. However, I have now known her for four years, and it doesn't look like it's stopping there. She's an inspiration to be because she's always "doing", always "creating", and that certainly helps give me the drive to do and create. She will be accompanying me throughout my summer travels.

"I'm a 500 pound flying purple elephant! Josie, you've helped me discover my dream"-Quinn Clark (in reference too the stupid textbook homework that I was doing.)

So as you see, deviantart is more than a community for artists, it leads us to find those that we can relate too, those that we can talk too, to work with, to support one another, to have a friends, and family. This is why I spend half my life social networking....I wouldn't have found these amazing artists, these amazing people, any other way.

"I Love DeviantArt"
By: tomatokisses

Others who's inspired my work:
Please note that these last few photos were NOT taken by me. I do NOT claim right to any of them, and all original photographers have been credited.

"Evmorfia"
By: Nikosalpha

"Faylinn"
By: Dimitri Caceaune

"Bathe In The Light"
By: JoEllen Ellam

"We Could Go To Mexico"
By: wildrainoficeandfire

"Vamp"
By: Jaime Iberra

"The Sweet Escape"
By: Julie de Waroquier

"Self Portrait"
By: Lara Jade

"Bitter Sweet Agony"
By: Iulian Dumitrescu

Trolls

2011-01-15T14:10:00.000-08:00

They make me lol.

It seems to be a common trend of late. Several of my friends had them. Several times I month, I get some sort of message from them. I got a rather creepy one not too long ago, and I got an anon hater on Facebook. Wow. People.

I love that you sit behind a computer screen and bitch at everyone, as to what they are doing wrong with their lives. Really? Do you hate you life THAT MUCH that you have to try and make everyone else feel like shit? Well, guess what buddy, that makes you a hypocrite. Betcha didn't think of that.

So the next time you sit down and write out a hate message, think about how you would like one. In most cases, your going to me a little hypocrite. I don't like hypocrites.

But trolls. They make me laugh. You all are cowards behind a computer screen. End of story.

The Idea

2010-12-11T15:50:00.000-08:00

The other day, I was asked if I was in love.
Yes, someone asked me that. My response was 'no' I am not. I have lusted several times, but saying that I was truly in love would be a lie. I don't see myself getting married. I see myself doing a lot of things, and accomplishing a lot of things, but I don't see myself getting married.
Anyways, not the point. I was asked if I was in love. And it got me thinking. There are two different versions of love. There is the being-in-love-with-someone, and then there is being-in-love-with-the-IDEA-of a person. Being in love with the IDEA of a person is the conclusion that I have come too. Which is good because at the moment, the count is three. Three ideas that I am in love with. All three are hella attractive. All three are really good at sweet talk, all three are intelligent, all three bring something different out of me. All three make me think, and all three have done some good in my life. I have a tattoo of the date that one of them and I met. Because that was the person who saved my life, quite literally. I have words from another, that I am borrowing and turning into a tattoo. So you see, these three matter. These three, are people I want in my life for the rest of it. Two of them are relatively new. As in a year new.
No, I am not in love with them. I can live without their attention, I can live without their words, I can live without their impacts, but I am in love with the idea of them. Should I ever get married, I would want that person to have some of the traits and qualities as these three do. So to answer that persons question, no, ma'am I'm not in love. Simply fixated on a quality, which translates to being in love with the idea of that person. Two different things.

Logical thinking, it took a while, but it came to me.

A Book On Your Bookcase

2010-12-11T02:28:00.000-08:00

Have you ever felt as though you were a book on someone's bookcase. As though, a person could read right through you, read everything about you, without ever really seeing you? That has only happened twice in my life, and it has lead to some major thinking. Over the course of this week, I have done more out-of-school-thinking than I have in several years.

Everything has a point it seems, and some how I can relate it to me. And this week I have spoken to more people on various subjects than I have in the past year. With myself, I have had a conversation about death. Remembering those that have influenced my life, and help lead me to the path of where I am today. I have reflected on my days of suicidal thinking and other such horrendous things. Where would I have gone? Is there an afterlife. I am not suicidal now, not in the least, but these thoughts still cross me. I'm not scared of dying, I just don't want too, not yet. People were put in my life for a reason, and just recently and I am really beginning to truly understand the meaning of that phrase. The people in my past, the actions the thoughts, the family, the lost, the love. It's all been there for a reason. Whether or not it seemed like I paid attention to it then was a different matter, but it was stored away as I am paying attention to it now.

With a friend, we have talked about betrayal. Something that most of us have known in one form of the other. She was accusing me of betraying her, and leaving her. False. I never once betrayed her. I never went behind her back or said anything bad about her. I am concerned for her safety, and I don't believe that she is hanging with the right people. But she didn't want my help and doesn't so I took a step back. Taking a step back isn't 'leaving' someone behind. It's simply moving myself out of her way, so that her life may move forward. But I'm still here, should she choose to talk to me. I'm still here, should something go south and she will need me. That's not betrayal and that's not leaving. Funny how those two words get confused and misused.

I have spoken about some seriously serious subjects too, like that of abuse. With multiple people, for that matter. We all have our battle scars. Emotionally, physically, mentally. And no, emotionally and mentally are not the same thing, they are two quite separate things. There is a mini life lesson with everyone of these stories, and a thousand ways you can learn it, a thousand ways you can walk away from it. Some of those ways have yet to be learned, and some of those ways will never be chosen.

This leads me to something that I read today, an article on forgiveness. Do we really have the power to forgive? Because pure evil, isn't forgiven. There is a phrase, "you can forgive but you can't forget." Except, if we aren't forgetting, is it really forgiven. This is a question that I have been struggling to answer for quite sometime now. There was a situation several years ago, that took place and everyone was telling me, "do not forgive this person". At that point in time, it was a literal no brainer. There was no possible way in my mind that I was going to forgive. That I was going to forget, and there seemed to be a slim chance that I was going to be able to move on. I didn't believe that I could. And that will lead me to something else later on. However, the situation that took place, was not handled well at all. In the matter of fact if I really wanted to sit someone down on their ass, I could sue. Literally. I still have the grounds to do so, and will for at least another five years. So I have five years to truly make up my mind on what I am going to do. This however, concerns me. Because in a way it seems as though I have forgiven. Not the people involved who never did a damn thing to help out. No. But as though I forgiven the situation and moved on. We are talking. This person and I. And there are no real stresser on the conversations that we have. They are real ones too, not some fake drama filled ones. And this concerns people. Did I really forgive someone of such nature. And truth be told. I don't know. I never thought I would have that type of power to forgive. Not in this sense. Nor, did I think I would ever be put in the situation as the one with the ultimate power. And here, here I have this ultimate power. I know enough secrets to destroy this person for the rest of their life. I have enough secrets on the people who did NOTHING about it to destroy their lives too. They ALL know this. They all know that I am fully capable of using these powers to my ability should I choose to do so. But if I have really forgiven, is there a sense of abusing the power? That is what is making me question, do we really have the power to forgive and forget. I know I will never ever forget. But is one truly forgiven if not forgotten?

I said that word 'belief'. That right there is a life changing type word and one that has been used in so very many different ways in my life. And has been the subject of the week it seems.

There has been the topic of religion. (And I am truly not here to offend) but that is the one topic that literally drives me nuts. I don't care if you are religious. I don't care if you are the MOST religious person in the world. But the MINUTE that you open your mouth to try and tell me to live my life along the cut-out boarder lines of what the Bible says, is the minute and you and I have some serious problems.

It's not that I don't agree with SOME of what was written, and it's not like I'm naive. It's simply the way it is interpreted by some, and then used against a form of lifestyle. And let me tell you, it has been used against me, more times than I can count on my fingers and toes.

There are multiple forms of belief, and religion is one of them. Now you may find the funny, but unless I know you, I don't want you question me on this. I don't believe in God. Yet, I believe in heaven and hell. I have never believed in God, and if I sit and reflect on my life, I have done just fine without that belief. But I do believe in heaven, I believe in angels and I believe that my mother is one of those angels. And that she is watching over me. I believe in hell, because there has to be some place for the seriously messed up idiots of the world to go burn. But overall, religion to me, is something that is quite useless in my life.

Then there is the phrase, "believe in others and believe in yourself," something of which I have also heard quite often in my life. And this is the believing part that I do go by. I believe in others who have profoundly changed my life. I believe in the ones that stand up for something that they feel is right. Whether that is being married, and having other relationships (if it works for you and your spouse, then that is fine by me), if it's gay marriage (you don't control who you fall in love with, and if you don't like gay marriage, then don't get one), if it's standing up and against racism, I believe in you, for you are fighting for what you believe. (I am literally, the most accepting person you will ever meet.) No, the world is not right, (who the fuck said it had to be?) and no, people are not going to agree with you.

Hell, I know that they aren't going to agree with me. But, suck it up, because I am who I am and what and how I think is NOT going to change to please your ass.

Everyone is entitled to their own bit of happiness, and people should just be left alone to live their life. Their decisions, are their decisions. I can't control them. You can't control them, so for Christ's sake shut the hell up, and MOVE ON with your little lives.

As I was reminded last night that you can't really control who you fall for, and that has to be the truest statement I have heard in a while. No, you really can't. You like who you like. No matter the age, the gender, the skin type. And you know what? You should get judged for it. I get judged for it, all the freaking time. I addressed this earlier this week. Judgement.

So I will say it again, who the hell are you do judge someone's life if you wouldn't want to judge your own? Exactly. So just shut your mouth, I don't even want to hear it.

Then we have the believing-in-yourself part. Something of which, I know, I struggle with every day. Some people have got it down to a science. I however, do not. I believe that I can better than I am, and I work at that every single day. I believe that I am able to do what I set my mind to do. I believe that I am stronger than I thought, because I have PROVED this to myself. But all of these things are believing small parts on oneself. It's not believing in yourself as a whole. Something of which I will continue to work on until I have fully discovered myself for who I am. I know who I am, but as a friend very wisely put it. Knowing who you are and knowing WHO you are, and two separate things. Leaves you with something to think about doesn't it?

Then we have this nice little thing we call 'emotions.' Something that is very good at getting in the way of decision making. I should know, I have only been caught up in a few thousand times. In the matter of fact, it has cost me 4 relationships of various sorts. Because I let the emotion half of my brain do the thinking and the talking and the acting for me. No. Hasn't worked out too well.
We all (well, almost all) have a logical side to ourselves. It's not always active but its there, and it tends to keep us from doing some seriously dumb things and fucking up our lives. It's something that I also have a good control over now. To the point of scary. I live in pain, every single day of my fucking life, and let me tell you how pissed off that makes me, but you don't see it do you? Unless you know me really well, you don't. I am always 'happy' whenever you see me. Always. Guess what? It's called a cover up. This doesn't say that I am not truly happy sometimes, but most of the time, that smile, or that laugh can be a cover-up because I don't want to talk about what is really bothering me.
I am very good at convincing you that I am 'fine'. To the world, I am always just fine. Might I remind you, that is the most COMMON lie there is. Fine. Most of the time when you hear that, I am not fine, you are probably not fine, making us not fine. Think about that.

But emotions contribute to love. Love isn't an emotion. But rather a true state of being. Here is where I will say, I have thought I have been in love...twice. Yea. No. Lies. 'Cared about very deeply,' would be the stamp you would put over that situation. But this is the part where the emotions get in the way and send you reeling, because that is when your brain starts to think, and sometimes will overlook a certain situation, or will contribute to the actions of how you relate to that person. My emotions have been guilty of this, quite a few times. Funny how I can have this conversation with myself, all week and then have a face to face conversation that really sets it into perspective. Makes you think. Makes you think.

This all revolves around the world famous question of "why?" "Why do we do what we do? Why do we fall in love with who we fall in love with? Why do you feel emotionally connected to someone, simply when they share a bit of information with us? Why do we feel as though sometimes we can be read like a book on a bookcase? So many questions, so many ways to use the word 'why' and NOT very many answers. I will leave you with all of that to think about.

The Truth.

2010-12-10T01:02:00.000-08:00

"People will always say all sorts of stuff. Let them. I’m enjoying my life."-Angelina Jolie

Coincidences

2010-12-07T10:40:00.000-08:00

It is truly funny how one thing leads to another, along the same topic.

Yesterday, I was introduced to someone, who was under attack for some really stupid reasons. And a whole discussion was launched about CHOICE. Something of which, we should all be thankful to have, but shouldn't be something that we abuse.

Today, someone pointed out my signature, which quotes "Before I die, I'd like to see a good change in this generation drenched in hate." This is a true fact. I would love to see a goo change to this generation that is drenched in hate. Something which seems to becoming more and more common. Ever heard of the phrase, "Live & Let Live"? Well, if you know it, take a minute, are you living by it? I guarantee you 95% of you, are not. Because we have this power of free speech, we are choosing to state our minds quite often. Just as I am stating mine. But, UNLIKE, a lot of you, I am stating my mind with the intention of proving a point. I am NOT directing harsh words at anyone, because, again, unlike a lot of you, I am not out to get anyone. That would be a pointless waste of my time.

So you see something you don't like. Wonderful. Good for you. I'm glad you can establish the things you like and the things you don't. But must you vocalize it in a horrible, harsh, and rude way? And must you do it online? You realize that when you bash someone online, you are taking part in this thing that we call cyber bullying. Which I can tell you right now, a TON of site are NOT supportive of. Do you remember the suicides of the 6 teenagers across the nation, back in late Sept, early October? Do you know what helped contribute to their decision? CYBER BULLYING. You know what the thought process is behind someone who is suicidal? It usually runs along the lines of someone thinking that the world isn't going to get any better, people are not going to change. They can sit and try to smile through the suffering, believing 'what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger'. Well, when you don't have any strength left, because you have lost faith in the world around you, you tend to start seeing the world as something that isn't going to change. And as long as we have got Trolls, ANONs and other such people, who waste their life away by thinking up of nasty shit to say, the world ISN'T going to get any better. Would you like your account deleted because you were bullying others? No. I didn't think so. So sometimes it's best to keep your mouth shut, and move on. When you move on, you are living, and letting live.

Simple right? One would certainly hope so.

Anyways, this person and I got into quite the conversation about 'live and let live', something of which you just don't see anymore. To quote her:

"If people can't except me as I am doesn't mean I need to ahte them I just simply say live and let live and move on I know I can't please everyone and not everyone can please me but peace will be achieved by excepting those we don't agree with and living our own lives."

Tell me, why can't more people think like this? Seriously the world would be such a better place.

"Its a simple concept but the message is slow to get out and even then some will resist but one heart a day one thought a day one person at a time and maybe humanity can heal itself enough to live on."

So do me a favor. Live and let live. You could save a lot of lives doing so.

Oh The Weather Outside Is Frightful

2010-12-07T05:30:00.000-08:00

So tell me again, why we have class?
It is snowing, and it is windy, and it is snowing hard. Last night, I felt the wind through my boots. That is never a good sign. I really rather not leave the comforts of my bed. It is nice and warm up in here. Cold as shit out there. And tell me, what is the point of going to a class where the professor isn't fond of me? And guess what? I didn't do shit. It's because I have a learning IEP, and apparently 'I make his life difficult'. Wow. Pathetic excuse. Suck it up and do your job. And don't give me a shitty grade because of it. There's something called favorings, and it's not too tolerated here, so don't start buddy. This final is going to suck! Just saying.

However, good things come from snow, like my latest picture.

"Catch The Light"

"There is a perfect snowflake"

This picture is only seen on: deviantArt, Flickr, FacebokFanPage & Blogspot. If spotted anywhere else, it was stolen, and will be considered art theft. Something of which, is to be reported to me immediately. Do not use this work as your own. Please be creative and come up with your own.

If you would like to blog my photo or use it on any other website please make sure that whichever photo you use, is credited back to me, thank you.

Unfuckingbelievable

2010-12-06T18:03:00.000-08:00

You know, some people seriously piss me off. And I'm not talking about the little things here. No. I'm talking about the down right rude, nasty ass shit that people feel the need to convey simply because whatever they read, or is looking at, is against their own personal morals.

Just wow.

First of all, who the fuck are you to judge someone else's life if you don't even know them?

Obviously they are happy with themselves, as well as their life, and if they feel like sharing that with the world, that is up to them. It is also up to YOU as a person, whether or not you are going to take the time out of your day to view something. But judging someone for who they are, before knowing them, SIMPLY because you read something, isn't right. This is what makes YOU a conceded bitch/bastard.

Secondly, do you remember this nice thing entitled freedom of speech? Yea, well just because you have it, doesn't mean you should open your mouth and use it, ESPECIALLY, if it's going to hurt someone else. THAT is not what freedom of speech is. Standing up for something you believe in, yea, I can see that. But when you are standing up to fight for what you believe in, generally you aren't verbally bashing someone who is trying to live their own damn life.

Thirdly, how about you sit your ass down in front of a mirror and look at yourself?
When did you become so filled with hate? Huh?
What happened in your life that made you judgmental?
Was it the fact that you grew up believing everything the media has said, so you are basing your views off of society?
Or was it the fact that you don't ever remember NOT hurting someone? In which case, you are a bully. And quite frankly, people like that, especially the ones who act all innocent afterwards, piss me off even more.

Forth, I understand that everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but you are also entitled to make your own decisions. For example. If someone who is feeling comfortable with their body, and decides to do a nude photo shoot, and then post it online. They aren't looking for hate. They are looking for people who are accepting of artistic nude art, and are asking for nothing more than a few views and positive feedback.

YOU are the ones who are CHOOSING to view it.
YOU made the conscientious decision to view the work.
That is YOUR fault.
Not anyone else's.

If you came across a page you didn't like, there is this nice little "X" button at the top right hand corner of your screen.
Close the window. Simple. Easy. UNhurtful.
Shocking little revelation ain't it?

No one asked you to stick you damn judgmental views in their lives. So what if you disapprove of their work, you don't have to be an asshole about it. Simply leave the page. Takes .2 seconds of your life. And if you disapprove so much, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL UP IN THEIR PAGE LOOKING AT EVERYTHING YOU DON'T LIKE AND LETTING YOURSELF GET EVEN MORE PISSED OFF?

Yea. Explain that to me. I'd LOVE to hear that response.

Honestly, I am disappointed. Not just at a particular one person, but at every damn judgmental human being who feels the need to express themselves to downgrade others. To make others look bad. Yea, well, you ain't too charming yourself, and perhaps, the next time, before you open your big fat mouth, you should take a look in the mirror; cuz if you're going to be judgmental, you are going to judgmental to yourself. See what it feels like. I guarantee you, you won't be liking yourself afterwards. So just shut your mouth, before you wind up with the label of 'hypocrite'.

This right here, this isn't judging. This is telling you like it is. Don't judge others, unless you want yourself judged. So, seriously, go look in a mirror, go judge yourself. I guarantee you, it's a self-esteem killer waiting to happen. But since you are so into hurting other people's images, as well as trying to make yourself 'greater' than you think you are, perhaps it will wake you up to a world known as a reality check. Enjoy it.